This blog had a lot of heartbreak and disappointment attached to it.

My life has changed. New start. New blog! You can find me here: http://amordelviaje.wordpress.com

Well, bad news at the gynos yesterday. Steve and I went in to check on my results after taking my first 50mg of Clomid. When I first went in, my progesterone was at 8 (about half of what it should be). After taking tha first round of Clomid... instead of going up, I was now at a 5. The doctor seemed stumped by it. He brought me up to 100mg of Clomid for 2 months to see if that will work. I wasn't really expecting it to work in the first month, but I was a little sad that my numbers went down. He says he wants to see my number at 15. If the Clomid doesn't work after 3 months of ovulating, then he says we'll have to try something else. Apparently a nasty little side effect of Clomid: It can overstimulate your ovaries and cause cysts. Ack.

The good news: my doc is really working with us to help out with the financial strain. He found us a lab that does the tests for 30 bucks each. Every little bit helps!

Work has improved a little bit lately. The kids had their FCAT testing this week and that was highly stressful. Apparently, I was more stressed than they were. Today I woke up with a cold and just feeling generally like crap. I took the day off of work.

I go to Philly in about 5 days and I am STOKED. I love that city. Hoping that will give me a much needed boost in my morale. Lord knows I need it!

Grace in Small Things 16/365

1. Big Daddy's Karaoke. I went once and I was hooked. I finally found a bunch of people that love beer and singing as much as I do! I have been having a great time making new friends and singing my head off!

2. Clothes clothes clothes. I helped myself to some retail therapy today and it felt good. Forever 21 has adorable summer clothes. I am obsessed with "little girl" staples such as barettes, bow headbands, and tights. :)

3. Organic Red Wine without sulfites = no more sinus headaches from drinking wine.

4. Philly in 3 weeks. Staying at the Ritz. READING TERMINAL MARKET! Best of all - seeing one of my best friends in one of my favorite cities. Good lord I can't wait.

Where's my silver lining?

Ahhh, Saturday mornings are made for getting up early, drinking some tea, and catching up on my blogging/Yelp reviews. This is like therapy to me.

Things have been just a bit difficult lately. I started out the week on the wrong foot. A lot of it has to do with my attitude of how I approach work. I'm willing to admit that half of the problem is my perspective. The other half is the ridiculous amount of crap that I have to put up with at work. I'm also willing to admit that I have an inability to handle stress and anxiety. We've been through this before.

Anyways, the week was rough. My kids were off the wall. They are stressed and worried about taking the FCAT in a couple of weeks and their stress is beginning to really present itself in: fights, arguments, and HEAPS of attitude. I consider myself a pretty firm teacher but apparently it's not enough. Coupled with the fact that on a daily basis I have 3-4 students absent, I am consistently struggling to keep things together with my class.

Things really hit a low on Wednesday, when I was observed. I am a perfectionist and I expect that when I'm being observed that things will go the way I want. Anyone that's a teacher knows that this is a pile of crap because kids are never going to act the way you want them to. My stress is caused by feeling a lack of control. To make a long story short, there was some issues during my observation that were not dealt with properly according to administration.

I'm notoriously hard on myself, so when I heard that I had a less-than-perfect observation, I was heartbroken. Not just sad - I totally lost it. I felt ridiculous for sitting there bawling... but I think it was an accumulation of things. I still have to meet with my administrator to discuss the whole observation and hash out some of the issues. After speaking to them on Friday, they are happy with me and want to help.

I just feel that I am a good teacher. I've never been told otherwise and I've been observed both formally and informally a number of times. If there was ever any issue with how I handle my classroom, it was never brought to my attention or I would've corrected it by now. I'm in my third year before seeking my tenure and I don't want anything to mess that up.

I'm feeling better about it today - but I overreacted this week. I think that with all the pregnancy stuff and work stress I just had a meltdown. Plain and simple, my mind can't take it anymore! That's why I needed a weekend down here in West Palm with my family. I feel more relaxed than I have in WEEKS.

:(

I'm heartbroken today. All these medical bills are starting to get to me. Insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility. Which I think is total crap by the way. People can get knocked up and go on welfare and not pay a cent to have a child. Yet, a teacher that works almost 60 hours a week and spends her own money towards it has insurance that WON'T PAY FOR HER TO HAVE HER OWN CHILD.

I am possibly going to have to cancel my next doctor's appointment and bloodwork on Friday because I simply cannot afford it.

Quickie

I don't have much time to post... but things have been looking up lately. I have more energy, more time (now that I'm not tutoring), and I'm trying to get my life together.

For now - here's a picture of what I've been keeping myself busy with lately!

This is my 2nd cake. I've learned some basic skills like using piping bags and making some simple decoration. Today I learned how to make those purple flowers. I still need loads of practice. I've also learned how to bake a two layer cake like a pro. It's been fun and I'm really excited to start the 2nd class soon!

Grace in Small Things 15/365

Wish I could do this every day... but what the hell, I'll do what I can. Especially on days when I REALLY need it!

1.

Yeah, I baked that. A banana nut bread weighing in at about 5lbs. It was as delicious as it looks. I gave in to Steve's requests for banana nut bread (finally after about a year) and it was GLORIOUS!

2. I got nominated for the Yelp Elite Squad 2010! I get this nifty little badge on my profile, invites to "exclusive" events in the area, and most importantly (to me) - some recognition that people enjoy reading my reviews! I love it. My Yelp Page

3. Going to see Dear John tomorrow with Heather, Marina, and Angelique. Love those ladies and love catching up with them! It's crazy how we work together and barely have time to chat.

4. I started my cake decorating class this week! I love it already. For next week's class I need to bake a cake and frost it. I also have to make three different consistencies of frosting to bring with me. We're going to learn how to use piping gel, make flowers and such. I am geeked up about this stuff!

*sigh*

Having one of those pathetic days where I'm doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I was doing great most of the day. Still bouncing off the walls with energy. Feeling (fairly) optimistic, considering the challenges at work. Then I went to the gym, to a class I hadn't been to in over a year, and saw the (very) pregnant instructor. Made me get what I like to call "baby pangs" in my stomach. Then I came home and another acquaintance of mine is pregnant. I feel like such a terrible person for being jealous of people I barely know, but I can't help it.

I also know that this blog is a public forum and that there's a good chance that people I know might run across it. I don't really care though. For me, this is a way to vent. Honestly if I didn't, I know I would've lost my mind already. Also, I'm not ashamed of the complications I'm having getting pregnant. It's actually fairly normal for women to have some type of issues and I want people to realize that it's not smooth sailing for all women. Or maybe that's just me trying to justify it in my mind so I don't go apeshit crazy. Who knows.

Anyways, today is CD1 so on Monday I start my 50mg of Clomid. Wish me luck!

Still waiting...

Waiting between cycles really sucks. I always wonder if this next month will be the one. I'm impatient (pretty much in all I do) so it makes it 10x worse. Any day now though. Will I become a Momma this month? I sure hope so. I'm getting tired of writing my damn cycles all over our kitchen calendar and buying ovulation strips. Just sayin'.

On a more positive note... being healthy is awesome. I've noticed a couple of changes in my body in the past few weeks. Mostly, I have this huge change in my energy levels. I used to crash around 1:30pm every day. That's about the time I move from working with my reading class to doing small reading groups. I sit at a table with 7-8 kids and as soon as my butt hit that chair I would start yawning. Since I started eating clean, I haven't had this happen. Around that time I usually drink about 8 oz. of water and it seems to be reenergizing me. Also, since I've been eating much more protein and healthy carbs, that's probably helping.

Another change: I haven't had a headache in two weeks. I used to get headaches every day. They were so bad in October/November that I had to leave work one day and go to the urgent care clinic. My migraines were actually causing the "floaters" (spots in my vision) to worsen. My doc told me that it was caused by stress and my sinuses. Well, since I've been drinking more water and cutting sugar out I haven't had headaches.

The last thing I've noticed is in my physical appearance. I noticed that my clothes are fitting more loosely. My skin is starting to clear up. Ever since I stopped taking the pill I've had some acne issues. My eyes look brighter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a believer in eating clean and organic! I think the biggest positive to it all is that I've been eating a TON of veggies. I'm not even that tempted to eat junk anymore because I see the changes and it's making me realize just how polluted my body must be.

Time for a little detox before baby Heydorn comes into existence. :)

Hello Clomid, it's me Dana. Say... how about you and I get this baby thing rollin'?

The past few weeks have brought Steve and I a lot of answers and a little bit closer to our dream of having a baby. Last week, I had an HSG sonogram. Look it up if you're interested, but in a nutshell, I had dye injected into my uterus and then had some x-rays taken. It was highly painful and extremely uncomfortable. The good news: my results came pack instantly and everything was OK.

Yesterday, I went to my doc and got my blood test results and found out that I am lacking in the progesterone department. Good news: I'm starting on my first round of Clomid in a few days. That should help me ovulate and god willing - I'll be pregnant in no time.

Fun stuff... but at least it was nothing serious. It's pretty common to have issues like this and Clomid is a fairly safe and common drug to take. We are excited because we have our answers and know that we could be pregnant very soon if everything works out!

In other news, we've both been on this major health kick that I'm super excited about. Here's the changes I've made so far:

1) No soda since before Christmas. Not even a sip!
2) No splenda since New Years. I was addicted to this crap. Then I found out that it's basically one molecule from being friggin' chlorine.
3) Eating breakfast every day. Even if I'm running late.
4) Sprouted wheat bread. No more white flour for me. Sounds weird, but seriously give Ezekiel Bread a try... it tastes delish and each slice has about 4g of protein.
5) Tremendously cutting my sugar intake.
6) WATER WATER WATER. I am literally living in the bathroom now because I have to pee so much.
7) Back in the gym. After four weeks of kickboxing I'm happy to say that I can finish the class and I'm able to walk the next day without being in excrutiating pain.

I'm excited about these changes... I actually feel a change in my energy level. I'm getting less headaches and my skin is clearing up. Maybe all these weird health issues I have are related to the crappy foods I was eating?

I'm optimistic for once. About having a baby and about having a healthier body!

Ramblings of an overly stressed 20-something

The past few days have been really fun. We had a long weekend and yesterday we decided to take a trip up to Lakeridge Winery in Clermont. We've passed this place numerous times and finally decided that since we looooove the vino so much, it was time to stop in! We went there with our friends, Briana and Joe, and did a wine-tasting and tour. It was relaxing and fabulous. I discovered this glorious creation called Pink Crescendo. Yum to sparkling wine and champagne. Especially when it's pink. What can I say? I'm a classy lady.

Today started another work week for me. A short one though. The kids only have school from Tuesday - Thursday, but I'm off tomorrow to have another unpleasant procedure done. By this time next week, I should have some kind of verdict on what's going on with my reproductive abilities. That's just a nice way to say that next week I'll know whether I'm infertile or not. God I hate that world. Infertile. It sounds so final and depressing. I refuse to use it. I almost bit the nurse when she used it. I will hit a nurse. I swear I will. I'm on the edge and it won't take me much to go over that precarious little line between being sane and irrational.

In other less depressing news, I'm taking a cake decorating class in a couple of weeks. I am SO GEEKED UP FOR THIS. I have this creative itch that is really yearning to be scratched. In the past few weeks I've made: cupcakes with piped-on pink frosting, chocolate chip scones, and the worlds heaviest banana bread. Seriously, the thing probably weighed a good three pounds upon completion. Baking to me is some kind of glorious release. I don't even want to eat what I bake. I enjoy seeing others dig in to my creations. Anyways, I'm really excited about this class. I have this odd desire to play around with fondant. Good times!

Hope

Some major changes coming in the next few months. For the first time in a while, I feel optimistic about the future. I feel like I'm going to be doing something that brings a smile to my face. In all honesty, I haven't felt peace in my soul in a long time and that frustrates me. It is a truly difficult decision to come to the realization that you may have strayed down the wrong path and it's even harder to admit that you have to start over.

No baby yet.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about my career and my personal life. I never knew that when I became a working adult that it would be so hard to find time to do the things that I really enjoy. Singing, books, being artistic. All those things have fallen by the wayside and it's time for me to pick them back up.

I'm excited for this school year to finish and for a new beginning to start for Steve and I.