Grace in Small Things 16/365

1. Big Daddy's Karaoke. I went once and I was hooked. I finally found a bunch of people that love beer and singing as much as I do! I have been having a great time making new friends and singing my head off!

2. Clothes clothes clothes. I helped myself to some retail therapy today and it felt good. Forever 21 has adorable summer clothes. I am obsessed with "little girl" staples such as barettes, bow headbands, and tights. :)

3. Organic Red Wine without sulfites = no more sinus headaches from drinking wine.

4. Philly in 3 weeks. Staying at the Ritz. READING TERMINAL MARKET! Best of all - seeing one of my best friends in one of my favorite cities. Good lord I can't wait.

Where's my silver lining?

Ahhh, Saturday mornings are made for getting up early, drinking some tea, and catching up on my blogging/Yelp reviews. This is like therapy to me.

Things have been just a bit difficult lately. I started out the week on the wrong foot. A lot of it has to do with my attitude of how I approach work. I'm willing to admit that half of the problem is my perspective. The other half is the ridiculous amount of crap that I have to put up with at work. I'm also willing to admit that I have an inability to handle stress and anxiety. We've been through this before.

Anyways, the week was rough. My kids were off the wall. They are stressed and worried about taking the FCAT in a couple of weeks and their stress is beginning to really present itself in: fights, arguments, and HEAPS of attitude. I consider myself a pretty firm teacher but apparently it's not enough. Coupled with the fact that on a daily basis I have 3-4 students absent, I am consistently struggling to keep things together with my class.

Things really hit a low on Wednesday, when I was observed. I am a perfectionist and I expect that when I'm being observed that things will go the way I want. Anyone that's a teacher knows that this is a pile of crap because kids are never going to act the way you want them to. My stress is caused by feeling a lack of control. To make a long story short, there was some issues during my observation that were not dealt with properly according to administration.

I'm notoriously hard on myself, so when I heard that I had a less-than-perfect observation, I was heartbroken. Not just sad - I totally lost it. I felt ridiculous for sitting there bawling... but I think it was an accumulation of things. I still have to meet with my administrator to discuss the whole observation and hash out some of the issues. After speaking to them on Friday, they are happy with me and want to help.

I just feel that I am a good teacher. I've never been told otherwise and I've been observed both formally and informally a number of times. If there was ever any issue with how I handle my classroom, it was never brought to my attention or I would've corrected it by now. I'm in my third year before seeking my tenure and I don't want anything to mess that up.

I'm feeling better about it today - but I overreacted this week. I think that with all the pregnancy stuff and work stress I just had a meltdown. Plain and simple, my mind can't take it anymore! That's why I needed a weekend down here in West Palm with my family. I feel more relaxed than I have in WEEKS.

:(

I'm heartbroken today. All these medical bills are starting to get to me. Insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility. Which I think is total crap by the way. People can get knocked up and go on welfare and not pay a cent to have a child. Yet, a teacher that works almost 60 hours a week and spends her own money towards it has insurance that WON'T PAY FOR HER TO HAVE HER OWN CHILD.

I am possibly going to have to cancel my next doctor's appointment and bloodwork on Friday because I simply cannot afford it.

Quickie

I don't have much time to post... but things have been looking up lately. I have more energy, more time (now that I'm not tutoring), and I'm trying to get my life together.

For now - here's a picture of what I've been keeping myself busy with lately!

This is my 2nd cake. I've learned some basic skills like using piping bags and making some simple decoration. Today I learned how to make those purple flowers. I still need loads of practice. I've also learned how to bake a two layer cake like a pro. It's been fun and I'm really excited to start the 2nd class soon!

Grace in Small Things 15/365

Wish I could do this every day... but what the hell, I'll do what I can. Especially on days when I REALLY need it!

1.

Yeah, I baked that. A banana nut bread weighing in at about 5lbs. It was as delicious as it looks. I gave in to Steve's requests for banana nut bread (finally after about a year) and it was GLORIOUS!

2. I got nominated for the Yelp Elite Squad 2010! I get this nifty little badge on my profile, invites to "exclusive" events in the area, and most importantly (to me) - some recognition that people enjoy reading my reviews! I love it. My Yelp Page

3. Going to see Dear John tomorrow with Heather, Marina, and Angelique. Love those ladies and love catching up with them! It's crazy how we work together and barely have time to chat.

4. I started my cake decorating class this week! I love it already. For next week's class I need to bake a cake and frost it. I also have to make three different consistencies of frosting to bring with me. We're going to learn how to use piping gel, make flowers and such. I am geeked up about this stuff!

*sigh*

Having one of those pathetic days where I'm doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I was doing great most of the day. Still bouncing off the walls with energy. Feeling (fairly) optimistic, considering the challenges at work. Then I went to the gym, to a class I hadn't been to in over a year, and saw the (very) pregnant instructor. Made me get what I like to call "baby pangs" in my stomach. Then I came home and another acquaintance of mine is pregnant. I feel like such a terrible person for being jealous of people I barely know, but I can't help it.

I also know that this blog is a public forum and that there's a good chance that people I know might run across it. I don't really care though. For me, this is a way to vent. Honestly if I didn't, I know I would've lost my mind already. Also, I'm not ashamed of the complications I'm having getting pregnant. It's actually fairly normal for women to have some type of issues and I want people to realize that it's not smooth sailing for all women. Or maybe that's just me trying to justify it in my mind so I don't go apeshit crazy. Who knows.

Anyways, today is CD1 so on Monday I start my 50mg of Clomid. Wish me luck!

Still waiting...

Waiting between cycles really sucks. I always wonder if this next month will be the one. I'm impatient (pretty much in all I do) so it makes it 10x worse. Any day now though. Will I become a Momma this month? I sure hope so. I'm getting tired of writing my damn cycles all over our kitchen calendar and buying ovulation strips. Just sayin'.

On a more positive note... being healthy is awesome. I've noticed a couple of changes in my body in the past few weeks. Mostly, I have this huge change in my energy levels. I used to crash around 1:30pm every day. That's about the time I move from working with my reading class to doing small reading groups. I sit at a table with 7-8 kids and as soon as my butt hit that chair I would start yawning. Since I started eating clean, I haven't had this happen. Around that time I usually drink about 8 oz. of water and it seems to be reenergizing me. Also, since I've been eating much more protein and healthy carbs, that's probably helping.

Another change: I haven't had a headache in two weeks. I used to get headaches every day. They were so bad in October/November that I had to leave work one day and go to the urgent care clinic. My migraines were actually causing the "floaters" (spots in my vision) to worsen. My doc told me that it was caused by stress and my sinuses. Well, since I've been drinking more water and cutting sugar out I haven't had headaches.

The last thing I've noticed is in my physical appearance. I noticed that my clothes are fitting more loosely. My skin is starting to clear up. Ever since I stopped taking the pill I've had some acne issues. My eyes look brighter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a believer in eating clean and organic! I think the biggest positive to it all is that I've been eating a TON of veggies. I'm not even that tempted to eat junk anymore because I see the changes and it's making me realize just how polluted my body must be.

Time for a little detox before baby Heydorn comes into existence. :)