The ache

I'm having major job stresses lately. Well, on top of the financial and emotional stress of being in a car wreck and having your identity stolen all in one week. I have literally been given the class from hell this year. Here's how my class looks this year:

• Four retained children. Two of them are nearing 10 years old. They give me major behavior problems because they are annoyed, bored, embarassed, rejected and depressed. One of them has been retained twice. Another missed the "cut-off" to pass to 4th grade by one or two questions.
• One special needs child that becomes violent at the drop of a hat. Had a desk thrown at me this week. Keeps me from teaching the other children with the behavior issues. There's a special school nearby for children like this. Because of bureaucratic CRAP, this child is being denied what they need.
• One child that cries (hysterically) every day for various reasons. Often won't calm down until I say, "Suck it UP!"
• Another child that refuses to look at me in the face, but will mumble disrespectful comments under his breath while I'm standing in front of him.
• "The Thief." So far have had the following stolen: dry-erase markers (on the first day of school!), pencils, a box of erasers, scotch tape, bookmarks, varous library books. To top it off, this student was caught cheating on their spelling test on Friday.
• "The Thug." Child that wears pants drooping down to the ankles pretty much. Refuses to do any work.

I could go on... but you get the picture. I have challenges. The child that throws furniture is the biggest challenge... but even if that child is removed from the picture... I still have my hands full. I enjoy teaching. But I've realized that with the demographic that I'm with, teaching consumes little of my time. I feel like I'm fighting against this current of negativity and resignation. Everyone at my school knows what the children are like and doesn't really expect much to change. We can change everything about our school (and we have in the past two years), but the children/families in our area will still be the same.

There will still be the chance that I get furniture thrown at me. Or that a parent threatens me. Or that the stress that I face at work will continue to make me sick. My job has been stressful from day one. I know that teaching is stressful and I knew that before I even started. What I cannot accept is the fact that I have to feel unsafe at school. There is no reason why I should even have to consider that I could get hurt at school. EVERYONE deserves the right to feel safe, respected, and supported at work.

I do not feel that this year and it scares me. It scares me to think that I maybe made a huge mistake to go into education.

It scares me to think that if I leave to pursue another career... I'll be labeled a failure, quitter, and one of those people that "just never seem to be happy..."

It scares me to think that my husband doesn't fully understand just how miserable I am right now.

It scares me to think that I might be nearing my breaking point and I just don't know what drastic steps I'll take.

Please pray that things will get better for me. Pray that there is some truth in those "cliche" statements that everyone throws out to you when you tell them your situation: Everything happens for a reason and if one door closes, another will open.