Finally a victory!

The special needs child in my classroom is finally being moved to the special classroom that he needs. I can breathe a sigh of relief not only for myself (no more desks being thrown!) but for him. He will be in a classroom with only 6 other children and 3 teachers. I can't wait to hear how he does with it all.

Another bit of good news today - I was nominated for Teacher of the Year! I'm one of the finalists at my school. Now they'll do another vote and come up with a winner. It means a lot to me because it was decided on by my fellow teachers.

Same ol' stuff going on lately with the job/career uncertainty. I am still considering all the options I talked about on here before. But another thing came up today. UCF is offering a grant for teachers to get their Masters in Reading Education. I'm going to the informational session next month to see if this would be an option for me. Reading is my passion... so why not become more specialized?

Rethinking

Trying to choose the right career path is exhausting. Feeling like you may have veered down the wrong one and redirecting yourself is absolutely draining. I'm trying to take stock of my interests and goals for the next few years to make sure that I'm on the right track.

I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning. I want to feel positive. I want to do something that I LOVE and have a passion for. I know that that something is out there, I just haven't found it yet.

I daydream about the day when I'll have a career, a purpose that makes me smile and wake up in the morning filled with the possibilities of the day ahead of me.

My interests:
Books
Criminal Justice/Forensics
Children
Animals
Music

Is it unrealistic to think that I could find a career that touches on any of these? I work with children right now... but I feel like I'm spending most of my time disciplining and not teaching. I feel like I'm not reaching the children and I'm starting to doubt my abilities.

Owl City!

I love being introduced to good music. My friend Kelley sent me a CD and a card when I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and I popped it into my player today and fell in love!

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Empty

The past week went from being terrible... to being stressful, but not so terrible... to being bearable. The best part - I have Friday off so I have a long weekend to rest and recharge.
Good lord do I need it!

No baby yet. Technically, we started trying in April, so we're going on six months. If you want to get down to the details though, we had some "complications" a couple of the months. We were up in PA for one cycle... then I was in Costa Rica for another. So really, 4 months where we really "tried." But it still sucks. I planned on being pregnant by the end of summer. Now the first 9-weeks of school is over and we're thinking of the holidays already. Depressing. I'm impatient and I hate that day when I know my period is supposed to arrive. I try not to but I always get my hopes up. Then to top it off, I'm off of birth-control (obviously) and that makes my periods feel like DEATH. I literally want to crawl up in a hole and scream in pain.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately of where I want to be in the next year and what I want to accomplish. Steve told me that I should have a one-year goal and try to stick to it. I keep wavering... but I think that my goal is one of two things: Teach at a new school or Change careers. Just in case finding a new school doesn't work out, I'm going to go on with my plans to take classes at UCF in January.

How I'm going to swing that while I'm going through all this other crap at school is BEYOND me right now. But somehow I will make it work.

Steve's off for the evening at his friends house playing video games, so I'm going to rest and try not to wallow in self-pity all evening.

The ache

I'm having major job stresses lately. Well, on top of the financial and emotional stress of being in a car wreck and having your identity stolen all in one week. I have literally been given the class from hell this year. Here's how my class looks this year:

• Four retained children. Two of them are nearing 10 years old. They give me major behavior problems because they are annoyed, bored, embarassed, rejected and depressed. One of them has been retained twice. Another missed the "cut-off" to pass to 4th grade by one or two questions.
• One special needs child that becomes violent at the drop of a hat. Had a desk thrown at me this week. Keeps me from teaching the other children with the behavior issues. There's a special school nearby for children like this. Because of bureaucratic CRAP, this child is being denied what they need.
• One child that cries (hysterically) every day for various reasons. Often won't calm down until I say, "Suck it UP!"
• Another child that refuses to look at me in the face, but will mumble disrespectful comments under his breath while I'm standing in front of him.
• "The Thief." So far have had the following stolen: dry-erase markers (on the first day of school!), pencils, a box of erasers, scotch tape, bookmarks, varous library books. To top it off, this student was caught cheating on their spelling test on Friday.
• "The Thug." Child that wears pants drooping down to the ankles pretty much. Refuses to do any work.

I could go on... but you get the picture. I have challenges. The child that throws furniture is the biggest challenge... but even if that child is removed from the picture... I still have my hands full. I enjoy teaching. But I've realized that with the demographic that I'm with, teaching consumes little of my time. I feel like I'm fighting against this current of negativity and resignation. Everyone at my school knows what the children are like and doesn't really expect much to change. We can change everything about our school (and we have in the past two years), but the children/families in our area will still be the same.

There will still be the chance that I get furniture thrown at me. Or that a parent threatens me. Or that the stress that I face at work will continue to make me sick. My job has been stressful from day one. I know that teaching is stressful and I knew that before I even started. What I cannot accept is the fact that I have to feel unsafe at school. There is no reason why I should even have to consider that I could get hurt at school. EVERYONE deserves the right to feel safe, respected, and supported at work.

I do not feel that this year and it scares me. It scares me to think that I maybe made a huge mistake to go into education.

It scares me to think that if I leave to pursue another career... I'll be labeled a failure, quitter, and one of those people that "just never seem to be happy..."

It scares me to think that my husband doesn't fully understand just how miserable I am right now.

It scares me to think that I might be nearing my breaking point and I just don't know what drastic steps I'll take.

Please pray that things will get better for me. Pray that there is some truth in those "cliche" statements that everyone throws out to you when you tell them your situation: Everything happens for a reason and if one door closes, another will open.