Good news!

So I typically don't post good news on here... and honestly, there hasn't been much of it in the past few months. BUT...

I finally had a normal cycle. Ovulation on Day 15... normal luteal phase... everything is perfect. I think that things are starting to even out.

I didn't realize how messed up my body would be after the surgery, and I just kinda expected things to get back to normal quickly.

So now that I'm "normal" - I have a GREAT chance of getting pregnant!

Weird thing... I was going to cancel my appointment for the fertility doc next week. After I found out about my normal cycle and had a great acupuncture appointment today - the doctor called ME and had to reschedule. Talk about a sign...

One More Week

I've been having a pretty rough time about everything lately. My appointment is next Thursday to get my prescription for the medication (Femara) and the injections (HsG shots I think?). Even though I've been extremely busy with school, this situation is always lurking in the back of my mind.

I think about the whole process and how long it's been since Steve and I sat at this table I'm sitting at right now... "negotiating" on when it would be a good time to have a baby. I wanted to start immediately (Fall 2008) and he wanted to wait until the next year. So we met halfway, and decided that I'd stop the Pill in Feb. 2009 and we'd start shortly after. I can't believe that was three years ago.

It's just one of those things that you always assume your body will be able to do. Stop the Pill, try for a few months, and just like magic... there's that positive pregnancy test. When it doesn't happen for you... over... and over... and over... you find that every month just gets harder and harder. No matter how much I try to be prepared for a let down at the end of a cycle, I always get my heart broken.

Last week, a friend of mine announced her pregnancy to me. It was shocking... mostly, because she tried ONCE. Yes. Once. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have experienced something like that instead. Our child would be two years old by now. Unfortunately, that's not the way things turned out for me.

I get tired of everyone saying that "it will happen when it's meant to be!" How about the one-night stands that get pregnant? Those are meant to be? Doesn't make sense. I have a loving husband, a good home, a good family, I can afford a child, etc. I seem to have it all in line, but for some reason that one thing I want is missing.

Whew... I feel better now that I got that all out. Back to work. =\

Next Steps

I haven't been feeling so great lately. This infertility thing is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes I'll feel good and positive, and other times I feel like giving up. This week was one of the giving-up times.

The good news is that I start on my fertility drugs next month. The bad news is that now that means that acupuncture and natural stuff didn't work. It's always hard to move on to the next step. I felt the same way before I got to surgery in December. But I guess there's no use putting it off anymore.

Part of the depression is also that my 30th Birthday is looming in the (near) future. I didn't realize how much it would effect me that I'm still not a mother at this point in my life.

Everything else is going well... school is busy as always. This semester is going by very quickly - before I know it I'll be a 3L. :)

Here goes nothing

I gave in. I'll be starting on Femara and HcG shots next month hopefully. I can't take it anymore. My heart is broken, I am tired... so tired of the ache to be a mother and the frustration of not being able to do anything to make it happen.

Why am I having to go through this?

Fertility drugs and such

I'm a generally impatient person... trying to get pregnant for over two years = pure torture.

We decided we are going to try for 4 cycles (once I get back to normal from the surgery) before getting on the medication.

My doctor wants to try 3-5 days of Femara and then one HcG shot on day 5. I did a bit of research today about Femara and a lot of women have had success. It supposedly will inhibit my estrogen, amp up my progesterone, and get my body to develop some of the follicles in my ovaries to release. Once that happens, the shot on day 5 will get my body to release the egg.

I'm hopeful... but worried about money and such. I'm going to try and get my taxes done quickly so that we can use the refund to pay for it. Here's to trying something new and hoping that it works...

I'm ready to be a momma!

The Truth About Trying

Here we go again

So, I ended up having a very long cycle - 36 days. The doc thinks it was just a fluke because my system is in shock from the surgery. So this month is our real first GOOD chance since the surgery.

I am not feeling very optimistic, but we need to try as best as we can until April or May... That's our self-imposed deadline on using the injectables. So let's see what nature has in store!

Where are you AF?

So I am on day 32... no period. However, no positive on the pregnancy tests I've taken either. So I'm stuck in some awful limbo trying to figure out what the heck is going on. WHY CAN'T MY BODY JUST BE NORMAL???

I had acupuncture today and she told me to keep testing and not to give up home... but of course that is easier said than done.

Fingers crossed.

Testing, Testing, 123

Hubs's test came back 100% NORMAL! Thank god - some good news finally.

I was really happy that everything was OK, because now we can just focus on getting my issues resolved. While I was happy about that - I did feel a little sad for a few minutes because now it's confirmed that I am completely the reason why we are unable to get pregnant.

Luckily, my husband is understanding and doesn't think less of me. But of course, I am the one who is hard on myself.

Which... brings me to my New Year's Resolution = to stop being so damn hard on myself!

Acupuncture

Today I went in for another acupuncture treatment/therapy session. :) My acupuncturist is AWESOME. She has her own office in Ormond Beach, but one day a week she works out of the birthing center that we hope to have our child out of. It's a lot closer to home, so that's where I see her. She's awesome because before the appointment she talks to me about what's been going on in my life, my cycle, how we're feeling about everything. Another reason I like her is that she's totally willing to work with traditional medicine and fertility treatments as well. I feel like with her help and my doc's help, there's hope.

PLUS, I've been seeing her since August and I've seen some drastic results. She helped me get from a 17-19 day cycle to 25-28 days.

It's always relaxing to have to lay there for 45 minutes also... seriously, I don't move an inch with all those needles stuck all over me.

Tomorrow hubby goes in for some testing and we'll have more answers and information so that we can keep trying!

I'm back

So I'm back to this blog. I abandoned it because I found it depressing... but then I decided that since all my trying-to-get-pregnant stuff is on here, I might as well pick up where I left off.

Attempt one:
I started law school in August 2010, so hubby and I decided to put our baby plans on hold. Before that happened, we had been trying to get pregnant since about June 2009. I stopped birth control in January 2009. We tried for the year and a half unsuccessfully. While we were going through all that, we sought help from my regular doc after about a year of trying. During that time, I had various ultrasounds, an HSG (very unpleasant procedure involving dye, a tube, and my cervix), and lots and lots of bloodwork. Everything was inconclusive. My tubes weren't blocked, my ovaries looked okay, and blood work was normal. The only thing that raised a red flag was the fact that my progesterone was a little low.

That doc put me on Clomid for 3 months. I still couldn't get pregnant. Quite the opposite happened actually - my progesterone levels went down.

We stopped trying in June 2010 because I started school.

Attempt Two:
After finishing my first year (supposedly the worst part of law school) in May 2011, I started to have some major pains in the abdomen during that time of the month. I was scared and worried that I might have cysts or something. Hubs and I decided that it was time to find a new doctor. We initially went in to find out what was going on with the pain and discomfort, but maybe also get some answers about why I couldn't get pregnant.

I found a new doctor... after an ultrasound, he thought that I had endometriosis and a "tilted uterus" and recommened that I get a laparoscopy and uterine readjustment. This is major surgery... so I decided to get a 2nd opinion. A friend referred me to Doc #3, who agreed with the endometriosis diagnosis but didn't think that the readjustment was necessary - apparently that's an "old school" type of surgery that is not typically done anymore. Doc #3 is the head of obstetrics at a big hospital here, so I take his word for it. He agrees that I need the laparoscopy but thinks that I should go see an infertility specialist.

(Exhausted yet? I was about ready to throw in the towel at this point. I clearly remember sobbing in the parking lot that afternoon).

Enter Doc #4. Doc #4 agrees that I have endometriosis and thinks that the reason I'm not ovulating is because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). However... I need more testing to determine if I have it. I undergo more bloodwork, another ultrasound, a glucose resistance test (icky orange sweet liquid that I had to drink without puking, while fasting)... everything comes up normal. So it looks like probably no PCOS. Also, my ovaries look normal.

Doc #4 decides that it's probably best to start out by getting a laparoscopy to clear out the endometriosis. It's outpatient surgery, but I'll be out of it for a few days. He lets Hub and I think about it and get back to him. The hubby and I really like this doc because he is easygoing, to the point, works with our insurance, and his office staff is super nice. We decide to put off the surgery until after the Fall 2011 semester of school.

December 2011:
I finally undergo the surgery. The doc goes in through my belly button with a camera and finds extensive endometriosis - a 3 out of 4 according to him. He makes a small incision below my belly button and inserts a tool to laser out the bad tissue. The surgery takes about an hour and afterwards I go home. The next week I was pretty sore and the first couple of days I could barely walk... but other than that, it wasn't too terrible.

So a week after the surgery I get the stitches out and the doc starts discussing our options. He said that I could go back on birth control, or try to get pregnant. Hubs and I tell him that we want to have a baby. He says that I'll probably need some fertility drugs to get me ovultating. The drugs he's considering are oral medications and a shot that needs to be given in the stomach. *shudder* I cried after this appointment too - who the hell wants to give themselves an injection in the stomach???

So that is where we are.

Hubby has to go get some tests done this week to see if he's alright. After that, it's back to the doc and on some meds.

Natural Remedies:
I started getting regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs back in August 2011, to see if they would help. I was a little skeptical... but they seem to be making positive differences. Before, my typical cycle was 17-19 days total... WAY too short to get pregnant. Now, my cycles are 25-28 days. I actually had my first 28 day cycle on my 3rd month seeing the acupuncturist.

I'm also trying to eat 60-75% of my diet as fruits and vegetables. This is VERY hard to do around the holidays....but I'm trying to get back on track.

So that's my story. It's been emotionally exhausting and frustrating, but I try to keep as positive as I can. When we started trying against in June 2011, I felt refreshed and hopeful. Now it's been 6 more months and I'm tired. The frustration is building and it is extremely hard to see a lot of people around me get pregnant with ease. Some people I know are on their second pregnancy, when I started trying before they were pregnant with baby #1. It makes me feel isolated and sad.

Argh:
Saying that "my day will come" is not enough anymore. My day will not come on it's own. Saying "it'll happen once you stop trying!" is an old adage that is meaningless and insulting to someone who suffers from infertility. It will not happen once I stop trying because I have a medical condition that is keeping it from happening.

Another thing that makes me sad is when people assume that a person is childless because they don't understand how beautiful it is to experience motherhood. I read something that someone posted on facebook, basically saying "to those of you that have chosen a childless existence - you have no idea what you're missing!" The truth is that some of us have not chosen a childless existence... some of us have no choice. And reading about how much glorious mushy-gushy awesomeness we are missing out on basically makes us want to scream at the top of our lungs and rip our hair out. But thanks for pointing that out for us.

The future:
Despite how bitter that all sounds, I am not angry. I'm just ready to be done with this journey that has taken a lot out of the husband and I. We are exhausted and ready to be parents. The only thing that keeps me from quitting is the fact that I want to be a mother. I know that when I hold my child in my arms for the first time, I won't care that I had to inject myself in the stomach. Or that I had to undergo surgery just to have them. All that will not matter.

So that's that! Here's to a very fertile (and less frustrating) 2012!