This blog had a lot of heartbreak and disappointment attached to it.

My life has changed. New start. New blog! You can find me here: http://amordelviaje.wordpress.com

Well, bad news at the gynos yesterday. Steve and I went in to check on my results after taking my first 50mg of Clomid. When I first went in, my progesterone was at 8 (about half of what it should be). After taking tha first round of Clomid... instead of going up, I was now at a 5. The doctor seemed stumped by it. He brought me up to 100mg of Clomid for 2 months to see if that will work. I wasn't really expecting it to work in the first month, but I was a little sad that my numbers went down. He says he wants to see my number at 15. If the Clomid doesn't work after 3 months of ovulating, then he says we'll have to try something else. Apparently a nasty little side effect of Clomid: It can overstimulate your ovaries and cause cysts. Ack.

The good news: my doc is really working with us to help out with the financial strain. He found us a lab that does the tests for 30 bucks each. Every little bit helps!

Work has improved a little bit lately. The kids had their FCAT testing this week and that was highly stressful. Apparently, I was more stressed than they were. Today I woke up with a cold and just feeling generally like crap. I took the day off of work.

I go to Philly in about 5 days and I am STOKED. I love that city. Hoping that will give me a much needed boost in my morale. Lord knows I need it!

Grace in Small Things 16/365

1. Big Daddy's Karaoke. I went once and I was hooked. I finally found a bunch of people that love beer and singing as much as I do! I have been having a great time making new friends and singing my head off!

2. Clothes clothes clothes. I helped myself to some retail therapy today and it felt good. Forever 21 has adorable summer clothes. I am obsessed with "little girl" staples such as barettes, bow headbands, and tights. :)

3. Organic Red Wine without sulfites = no more sinus headaches from drinking wine.

4. Philly in 3 weeks. Staying at the Ritz. READING TERMINAL MARKET! Best of all - seeing one of my best friends in one of my favorite cities. Good lord I can't wait.

Where's my silver lining?

Ahhh, Saturday mornings are made for getting up early, drinking some tea, and catching up on my blogging/Yelp reviews. This is like therapy to me.

Things have been just a bit difficult lately. I started out the week on the wrong foot. A lot of it has to do with my attitude of how I approach work. I'm willing to admit that half of the problem is my perspective. The other half is the ridiculous amount of crap that I have to put up with at work. I'm also willing to admit that I have an inability to handle stress and anxiety. We've been through this before.

Anyways, the week was rough. My kids were off the wall. They are stressed and worried about taking the FCAT in a couple of weeks and their stress is beginning to really present itself in: fights, arguments, and HEAPS of attitude. I consider myself a pretty firm teacher but apparently it's not enough. Coupled with the fact that on a daily basis I have 3-4 students absent, I am consistently struggling to keep things together with my class.

Things really hit a low on Wednesday, when I was observed. I am a perfectionist and I expect that when I'm being observed that things will go the way I want. Anyone that's a teacher knows that this is a pile of crap because kids are never going to act the way you want them to. My stress is caused by feeling a lack of control. To make a long story short, there was some issues during my observation that were not dealt with properly according to administration.

I'm notoriously hard on myself, so when I heard that I had a less-than-perfect observation, I was heartbroken. Not just sad - I totally lost it. I felt ridiculous for sitting there bawling... but I think it was an accumulation of things. I still have to meet with my administrator to discuss the whole observation and hash out some of the issues. After speaking to them on Friday, they are happy with me and want to help.

I just feel that I am a good teacher. I've never been told otherwise and I've been observed both formally and informally a number of times. If there was ever any issue with how I handle my classroom, it was never brought to my attention or I would've corrected it by now. I'm in my third year before seeking my tenure and I don't want anything to mess that up.

I'm feeling better about it today - but I overreacted this week. I think that with all the pregnancy stuff and work stress I just had a meltdown. Plain and simple, my mind can't take it anymore! That's why I needed a weekend down here in West Palm with my family. I feel more relaxed than I have in WEEKS.

:(

I'm heartbroken today. All these medical bills are starting to get to me. Insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility. Which I think is total crap by the way. People can get knocked up and go on welfare and not pay a cent to have a child. Yet, a teacher that works almost 60 hours a week and spends her own money towards it has insurance that WON'T PAY FOR HER TO HAVE HER OWN CHILD.

I am possibly going to have to cancel my next doctor's appointment and bloodwork on Friday because I simply cannot afford it.

Quickie

I don't have much time to post... but things have been looking up lately. I have more energy, more time (now that I'm not tutoring), and I'm trying to get my life together.

For now - here's a picture of what I've been keeping myself busy with lately!

This is my 2nd cake. I've learned some basic skills like using piping bags and making some simple decoration. Today I learned how to make those purple flowers. I still need loads of practice. I've also learned how to bake a two layer cake like a pro. It's been fun and I'm really excited to start the 2nd class soon!

Grace in Small Things 15/365

Wish I could do this every day... but what the hell, I'll do what I can. Especially on days when I REALLY need it!

1.

Yeah, I baked that. A banana nut bread weighing in at about 5lbs. It was as delicious as it looks. I gave in to Steve's requests for banana nut bread (finally after about a year) and it was GLORIOUS!

2. I got nominated for the Yelp Elite Squad 2010! I get this nifty little badge on my profile, invites to "exclusive" events in the area, and most importantly (to me) - some recognition that people enjoy reading my reviews! I love it. My Yelp Page

3. Going to see Dear John tomorrow with Heather, Marina, and Angelique. Love those ladies and love catching up with them! It's crazy how we work together and barely have time to chat.

4. I started my cake decorating class this week! I love it already. For next week's class I need to bake a cake and frost it. I also have to make three different consistencies of frosting to bring with me. We're going to learn how to use piping gel, make flowers and such. I am geeked up about this stuff!