Amor del Viaje

The Truth About Trying

2012-01-31T21:50:00.001-05:00

Here we go again

2012-01-26T11:51:00.001-05:00

It is the cruelest of fates to actually receive a baby shower invitation on the day you get your period. And the awful part is that this time I actually thought I was pregnant.

Ahh well, I did my one day of self pity and then I moved on. Feeling better today and ready to try again.

I ended up having a very long cycle - 36 days. The doc thinks it was just a fluke because my system is in shock from the surgery. So this month is our real first GOOD chance since the surgery.

I am not feeling very optimistic, but we need to try as best as we can until April or May... That's our self-imposed deadline on using the injectables. So let's see what nature has in store!

Where are you AF?

2012-01-19T17:29:00.001-05:00

So I am on day 32... no period. However, no positive on the pregnancy tests I've taken either. So I'm stuck in some awful limbo trying to figure out what the heck is going on. WHY CAN'T MY BODY JUST BE NORMAL???

I had acupuncture today and she told me to keep testing and not to give up home... but of course that is easier said than done.

Fingers crossed.

Testing, Testing, 123

2012-01-08T13:27:00.002-05:00

Hubs's test came back 100% NORMAL! Thank god - some good news finally.

I was really happy that everything was OK, because now we can just focus on getting my issues resolved. While I was happy about that - I did feel a little sad for a few minutes because now it's confirmed that I am completely the reason why we are unable to get pregnant.

Luckily, my husband is understanding and doesn't think less of me. But of course, I am the one who is hard on myself.

Which... brings me to my New Year's Resolution = to stop being so damn hard on myself!

Acupuncture

2012-01-05T17:41:00.002-05:00

Today I went in for another acupuncture treatment/therapy session. :) My acupuncturist is AWESOME. She has her own office in Ormond Beach, but one day a week she works out of the birthing center that we hope to have our child out of. It's a lot closer to home, so that's where I see her. She's awesome because before the appointment she talks to me about what's been going on in my life, my cycle, how we're feeling about everything. Another reason I like her is that she's totally willing to work with traditional medicine and fertility treatments as well. I feel like with her help and my doc's help, there's hope.

PLUS, I've been seeing her since August and I've seen some drastic results. She helped me get from a 17-19 day cycle to 25-28 days.

It's always relaxing to have to lay there for 45 minutes also... seriously, I don't move an inch with all those needles stuck all over me.

Tomorrow hubby goes in for some testing and we'll have more answers and information so that we can keep trying!

I'm back

2012-01-03T19:34:00.002-05:00

So I'm back to this blog. I abandoned it because I found it depressing... but then I decided that since all my trying-to-get-pregnant stuff is on here, I might as well pick up where I left off.

Attempt one:
I started law school in August 2010, so hubby and I decided to put our baby plans on hold. Before that happened, we had been trying to get pregnant since about June 2009. I stopped birth control in January 2009. We tried for the year and a half unsuccessfully. While we were going through all that, we sought help from my regular doc after about a year of trying. During that time, I had various ultrasounds, an HSG (very unpleasant procedure involving dye, a tube, and my cervix), and lots and lots of bloodwork. Everything was inconclusive. My tubes weren't blocked, my ovaries looked okay, and blood work was normal. The only thing that raised a red flag was the fact that my progesterone was a little low.

That doc put me on Clomid for 3 months. I still couldn't get pregnant. Quite the opposite happened actually - my progesterone levels went down.

We stopped trying in June 2010 because I started school.

Attempt Two:
After finishing my first year (supposedly the worst part of law school) in May 2011, I started to have some major pains in the abdomen during that time of the month. I was scared and worried that I might have cysts or something. Hubs and I decided that it was time to find a new doctor. We initially went in to find out what was going on with the pain and discomfort, but maybe also get some answers about why I couldn't get pregnant.

I found a new doctor... after an ultrasound, he thought that I had endometriosis and a "tilted uterus" and recommened that I get a laparoscopy and uterine readjustment. This is major surgery... so I decided to get a 2nd opinion. A friend referred me to Doc #3, who agreed with the endometriosis diagnosis but didn't think that the readjustment was necessary - apparently that's an "old school" type of surgery that is not typically done anymore. Doc #3 is the head of obstetrics at a big hospital here, so I take his word for it. He agrees that I need the laparoscopy but thinks that I should go see an infertility specialist.

(Exhausted yet? I was about ready to throw in the towel at this point. I clearly remember sobbing in the parking lot that afternoon).

Enter Doc #4. Doc #4 agrees that I have endometriosis and thinks that the reason I'm not ovulating is because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). However... I need more testing to determine if I have it. I undergo more bloodwork, another ultrasound, a glucose resistance test (icky orange sweet liquid that I had to drink without puking, while fasting)... everything comes up normal. So it looks like probably no PCOS. Also, my ovaries look normal.

Doc #4 decides that it's probably best to start out by getting a laparoscopy to clear out the endometriosis. It's outpatient surgery, but I'll be out of it for a few days. He lets Hub and I think about it and get back to him. The hubby and I really like this doc because he is easygoing, to the point, works with our insurance, and his office staff is super nice. We decide to put off the surgery until after the Fall 2011 semester of school.

December 2011:
I finally undergo the surgery. The doc goes in through my belly button with a camera and finds extensive endometriosis - a 3 out of 4 according to him. He makes a small incision below my belly button and inserts a tool to laser out the bad tissue. The surgery takes about an hour and afterwards I go home. The next week I was pretty sore and the first couple of days I could barely walk... but other than that, it wasn't too terrible.

So a week after the surgery I get the stitches out and the doc starts discussing our options. He said that I could go back on birth control, or try to get pregnant. Hubs and I tell him that we want to have a baby. He says that I'll probably need some fertility drugs to get me ovultating. The drugs he's considering are oral medications and a shot that needs to be given in the stomach. *shudder* I cried after this appointment too - who the hell wants to give themselves an injection in the stomach???

So that is where we are.

Hubby has to go get some tests done this week to see if he's alright. After that, it's back to the doc and on some meds.

Natural Remedies:
I started getting regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs back in August 2011, to see if they would help. I was a little skeptical... but they seem to be making positive differences. Before, my typical cycle was 17-19 days total... WAY too short to get pregnant. Now, my cycles are 25-28 days. I actually had my first 28 day cycle on my 3rd month seeing the acupuncturist.

I'm also trying to eat 60-75% of my diet as fruits and vegetables. This is VERY hard to do around the holidays....but I'm trying to get back on track.

So that's my story. It's been emotionally exhausting and frustrating, but I try to keep as positive as I can. When we started trying against in June 2011, I felt refreshed and hopeful. Now it's been 6 more months and I'm tired. The frustration is building and it is extremely hard to see a lot of people around me get pregnant with ease. Some people I know are on their second pregnancy, when I started trying before they were pregnant with baby #1. It makes me feel isolated and sad.

Argh:
Saying that "my day will come" is not enough anymore. My day will not come on it's own. Saying "it'll happen once you stop trying!" is an old adage that is meaningless and insulting to someone who suffers from infertility. It will not happen once I stop trying because I have a medical condition that is keeping it from happening.

Another thing that makes me sad is when people assume that a person is childless because they don't understand how beautiful it is to experience motherhood. I read something that someone posted on facebook, basically saying "to those of you that have chosen a childless existence - you have no idea what you're missing!" The truth is that some of us have not chosen a childless existence... some of us have no choice. And reading about how much glorious mushy-gushy awesomeness we are missing out on basically makes us want to scream at the top of our lungs and rip our hair out. But thanks for pointing that out for us.

The future:
Despite how bitter that all sounds, I am not angry. I'm just ready to be done with this journey that has taken a lot out of the husband and I. We are exhausted and ready to be parents. The only thing that keeps me from quitting is the fact that I want to be a mother. I know that when I hold my child in my arms for the first time, I won't care that I had to inject myself in the stomach. Or that I had to undergo surgery just to have them. All that will not matter.

So that's that! Here's to a very fertile (and less frustrating) 2012!

2010-12-03T16:29:00.001-05:00

This blog had a lot of heartbreak and disappointment attached to it.

My life has changed. New start. New blog! You can find me here: http://amordelviaje.wordpress.com

2010-03-12T10:05:00.002-05:00

Well, bad news at the gynos yesterday. Steve and I went in to check on my results after taking my first 50mg of Clomid. When I first went in, my progesterone was at 8 (about half of what it should be). After taking tha first round of Clomid... instead of going up, I was now at a 5. The doctor seemed stumped by it. He brought me up to 100mg of Clomid for 2 months to see if that will work. I wasn't really expecting it to work in the first month, but I was a little sad that my numbers went down. He says he wants to see my number at 15. If the Clomid doesn't work after 3 months of ovulating, then he says we'll have to try something else. Apparently a nasty little side effect of Clomid: It can overstimulate your ovaries and cause cysts. Ack.

The good news: my doc is really working with us to help out with the financial strain. He found us a lab that does the tests for 30 bucks each. Every little bit helps!

Work has improved a little bit lately. The kids had their FCAT testing this week and that was highly stressful. Apparently, I was more stressed than they were. Today I woke up with a cold and just feeling generally like crap. I took the day off of work.

I go to Philly in about 5 days and I am STOKED. I love that city. Hoping that will give me a much needed boost in my morale. Lord knows I need it!

Grace in Small Things 16/365

2010-02-28T22:16:00.008-05:00

1. Big Daddy's Karaoke. I went once and I was hooked. I finally found a bunch of people that love beer and singing as much as I do! I have been having a great time making new friends and singing my head off!

2. Clothes clothes clothes. I helped myself to some retail therapy today and it felt good. Forever 21 has adorable summer clothes. I am obsessed with "little girl" staples such as barettes, bow headbands, and tights. :)

3. Organic Red Wine without sulfites = no more sinus headaches from drinking wine.

4. Philly in 3 weeks. Staying at the Ritz. READING TERMINAL MARKET! Best of all - seeing one of my best friends in one of my favorite cities. Good lord I can't wait.

Where's my silver lining?

2010-02-27T08:17:00.002-05:00

Ahhh, Saturday mornings are made for getting up early, drinking some tea, and catching up on my blogging/Yelp reviews. This is like therapy to me.

Things have been just a bit difficult lately. I started out the week on the wrong foot. A lot of it has to do with my attitude of how I approach work. I'm willing to admit that half of the problem is my perspective. The other half is the ridiculous amount of crap that I have to put up with at work. I'm also willing to admit that I have an inability to handle stress and anxiety. We've been through this before.

Anyways, the week was rough. My kids were off the wall. They are stressed and worried about taking the FCAT in a couple of weeks and their stress is beginning to really present itself in: fights, arguments, and HEAPS of attitude. I consider myself a pretty firm teacher but apparently it's not enough. Coupled with the fact that on a daily basis I have 3-4 students absent, I am consistently struggling to keep things together with my class.

Things really hit a low on Wednesday, when I was observed. I am a perfectionist and I expect that when I'm being observed that things will go the way I want. Anyone that's a teacher knows that this is a pile of crap because kids are never going to act the way you want them to. My stress is caused by feeling a lack of control. To make a long story short, there was some issues during my observation that were not dealt with properly according to administration.

I'm notoriously hard on myself, so when I heard that I had a less-than-perfect observation, I was heartbroken. Not just sad - I totally lost it. I felt ridiculous for sitting there bawling... but I think it was an accumulation of things. I still have to meet with my administrator to discuss the whole observation and hash out some of the issues. After speaking to them on Friday, they are happy with me and want to help.

I just feel that I am a good teacher. I've never been told otherwise and I've been observed both formally and informally a number of times. If there was ever any issue with how I handle my classroom, it was never brought to my attention or I would've corrected it by now. I'm in my third year before seeking my tenure and I don't want anything to mess that up.

I'm feeling better about it today - but I overreacted this week. I think that with all the pregnancy stuff and work stress I just had a meltdown. Plain and simple, my mind can't take it anymore! That's why I needed a weekend down here in West Palm with my family. I feel more relaxed than I have in WEEKS.

:(

2010-02-20T09:32:00.003-05:00

I'm heartbroken today. All these medical bills are starting to get to me. Insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility. Which I think is total crap by the way. People can get knocked up and go on welfare and not pay a cent to have a child. Yet, a teacher that works almost 60 hours a week and spends her own money towards it has insurance that WON'T PAY FOR HER TO HAVE HER OWN CHILD.

I am possibly going to have to cancel my next doctor's appointment and bloodwork on Friday because I simply cannot afford it.

Quickie

2010-02-17T22:12:00.004-05:00

I don't have much time to post... but things have been looking up lately. I have more energy, more time (now that I'm not tutoring), and I'm trying to get my life together.

For now - here's a picture of what I've been keeping myself busy with lately!

This is my 2nd cake. I've learned some basic skills like using piping bags and making some simple decoration. Today I learned how to make those purple flowers. I still need loads of practice. I've also learned how to bake a two layer cake like a pro. It's been fun and I'm really excited to start the 2nd class soon!

Grace in Small Things 15/365

2010-02-04T20:18:00.003-05:00

Wish I could do this every day... but what the hell, I'll do what I can. Especially on days when I REALLY need it!

Yeah, I baked that. A banana nut bread weighing in at about 5lbs. It was as delicious as it looks. I gave in to Steve's requests for banana nut bread (finally after about a year) and it was GLORIOUS!

2. I got nominated for the Yelp Elite Squad 2010! I get this nifty little badge on my profile, invites to "exclusive" events in the area, and most importantly (to me) - some recognition that people enjoy reading my reviews! I love it. My Yelp Page

3. Going to see Dear John tomorrow with Heather, Marina, and Angelique. Love those ladies and love catching up with them! It's crazy how we work together and barely have time to chat.

4. I started my cake decorating class this week! I love it already. For next week's class I need to bake a cake and frost it. I also have to make three different consistencies of frosting to bring with me. We're going to learn how to use piping gel, make flowers and such. I am geeked up about this stuff!

sigh

2010-02-04T20:12:00.002-05:00

Having one of those pathetic days where I'm doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I was doing great most of the day. Still bouncing off the walls with energy. Feeling (fairly) optimistic, considering the challenges at work. Then I went to the gym, to a class I hadn't been to in over a year, and saw the (very) pregnant instructor. Made me get what I like to call "baby pangs" in my stomach. Then I came home and another acquaintance of mine is pregnant. I feel like such a terrible person for being jealous of people I barely know, but I can't help it.

I also know that this blog is a public forum and that there's a good chance that people I know might run across it. I don't really care though. For me, this is a way to vent. Honestly if I didn't, I know I would've lost my mind already. Also, I'm not ashamed of the complications I'm having getting pregnant. It's actually fairly normal for women to have some type of issues and I want people to realize that it's not smooth sailing for all women. Or maybe that's just me trying to justify it in my mind so I don't go apeshit crazy. Who knows.

Anyways, today is CD1 so on Monday I start my 50mg of Clomid. Wish me luck!

Still waiting...

2010-02-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

Waiting between cycles really sucks. I always wonder if this next month will be the one. I'm impatient (pretty much in all I do) so it makes it 10x worse. Any day now though. Will I become a Momma this month? I sure hope so. I'm getting tired of writing my damn cycles all over our kitchen calendar and buying ovulation strips. Just sayin'.

On a more positive note... being healthy is awesome. I've noticed a couple of changes in my body in the past few weeks. Mostly, I have this huge change in my energy levels. I used to crash around 1:30pm every day. That's about the time I move from working with my reading class to doing small reading groups. I sit at a table with 7-8 kids and as soon as my butt hit that chair I would start yawning. Since I started eating clean, I haven't had this happen. Around that time I usually drink about 8 oz. of water and it seems to be reenergizing me. Also, since I've been eating much more protein and healthy carbs, that's probably helping.

Another change: I haven't had a headache in two weeks. I used to get headaches every day. They were so bad in October/November that I had to leave work one day and go to the urgent care clinic. My migraines were actually causing the "floaters" (spots in my vision) to worsen. My doc told me that it was caused by stress and my sinuses. Well, since I've been drinking more water and cutting sugar out I haven't had headaches.

The last thing I've noticed is in my physical appearance. I noticed that my clothes are fitting more loosely. My skin is starting to clear up. Ever since I stopped taking the pill I've had some acne issues. My eyes look brighter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a believer in eating clean and organic! I think the biggest positive to it all is that I've been eating a TON of veggies. I'm not even that tempted to eat junk anymore because I see the changes and it's making me realize just how polluted my body must be.

Time for a little detox before baby Heydorn comes into existence. :)

Hello Clomid, it's me Dana. Say... how about you and I get this baby thing rollin'?

2010-01-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have brought Steve and I a lot of answers and a little bit closer to our dream of having a baby. Last week, I had an HSG sonogram. Look it up if you're interested, but in a nutshell, I had dye injected into my uterus and then had some x-rays taken. It was highly painful and extremely uncomfortable. The good news: my results came pack instantly and everything was OK.

Yesterday, I went to my doc and got my blood test results and found out that I am lacking in the progesterone department. Good news: I'm starting on my first round of Clomid in a few days. That should help me ovulate and god willing - I'll be pregnant in no time.

Fun stuff... but at least it was nothing serious. It's pretty common to have issues like this and Clomid is a fairly safe and common drug to take. We are excited because we have our answers and know that we could be pregnant very soon if everything works out!

In other news, we've both been on this major health kick that I'm super excited about. Here's the changes I've made so far:

1) No soda since before Christmas. Not even a sip!
2) No splenda since New Years. I was addicted to this crap. Then I found out that it's basically one molecule from being friggin' chlorine.
3) Eating breakfast every day. Even if I'm running late.
4) Sprouted wheat bread. No more white flour for me. Sounds weird, but seriously give Ezekiel Bread a try... it tastes delish and each slice has about 4g of protein.
5) Tremendously cutting my sugar intake.
6) WATER WATER WATER. I am literally living in the bathroom now because I have to pee so much.
7) Back in the gym. After four weeks of kickboxing I'm happy to say that I can finish the class and I'm able to walk the next day without being in excrutiating pain.

I'm excited about these changes... I actually feel a change in my energy level. I'm getting less headaches and my skin is clearing up. Maybe all these weird health issues I have are related to the crappy foods I was eating?

I'm optimistic for once. About having a baby and about having a healthier body!

Ramblings of an overly stressed 20-something

2010-01-19T21:57:00.003-05:00

The past few days have been really fun. We had a long weekend and yesterday we decided to take a trip up to Lakeridge Winery in Clermont. We've passed this place numerous times and finally decided that since we looooove the vino so much, it was time to stop in! We went there with our friends, Briana and Joe, and did a wine-tasting and tour. It was relaxing and fabulous. I discovered this glorious creation called Pink Crescendo. Yum to sparkling wine and champagne. Especially when it's pink. What can I say? I'm a classy lady.

Today started another work week for me. A short one though. The kids only have school from Tuesday - Thursday, but I'm off tomorrow to have another unpleasant procedure done. By this time next week, I should have some kind of verdict on what's going on with my reproductive abilities. That's just a nice way to say that next week I'll know whether I'm infertile or not. God I hate that world. Infertile. It sounds so final and depressing. I refuse to use it. I almost bit the nurse when she used it. I will hit a nurse. I swear I will. I'm on the edge and it won't take me much to go over that precarious little line between being sane and irrational.

In other less depressing news, I'm taking a cake decorating class in a couple of weeks. I am SO GEEKED UP FOR THIS. I have this creative itch that is really yearning to be scratched. In the past few weeks I've made: cupcakes with piped-on pink frosting, chocolate chip scones, and the worlds heaviest banana bread. Seriously, the thing probably weighed a good three pounds upon completion. Baking to me is some kind of glorious release. I don't even want to eat what I bake. I enjoy seeing others dig in to my creations. Anyways, I'm really excited about this class. I have this odd desire to play around with fondant. Good times!

Hope

2010-01-16T15:51:00.002-05:00

Some major changes coming in the next few months. For the first time in a while, I feel optimistic about the future. I feel like I'm going to be doing something that brings a smile to my face. In all honesty, I haven't felt peace in my soul in a long time and that frustrates me. It is a truly difficult decision to come to the realization that you may have strayed down the wrong path and it's even harder to admit that you have to start over.

No baby yet.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about my career and my personal life. I never knew that when I became a working adult that it would be so hard to find time to do the things that I really enjoy. Singing, books, being artistic. All those things have fallen by the wayside and it's time for me to pick them back up.

I'm excited for this school year to finish and for a new beginning to start for Steve and I.

Argh

2009-12-31T08:51:00.004-05:00

You know what bothers me... people saying things like this:

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Your time will come, don't worry! Just keep positive and you'll get pregnant."

"It took my friend three rounds of Clomid and just as they stopped the third round she got pregnant! It's totally normal, don't stress."

Don't stress. Please, when in my life have I ever been able to not stress! What are the chances I'll be able to not stress about this situation? Slim to none. I'm just tired of the platitudes. People are right about one thing, it will eventually be okay. However, I'm not going to pretend like I'm all happy and excited about this new development in our journey to having a baby. I have a right to be irked!

The news

2009-12-30T23:02:00.002-05:00

Well I typed up a long post on livejournal because this is a pretty personal subject... I'm not going to go into details here, but it turns out that "calling in the professionals" was a good idea. In the next few weeks, I'll be having an HSG ultrasound and some blood work to find out what's wrong. If there's no tubal blockage, they are going to start me on hormone treatments.

I am tired and a little bit sad. I always had this worry in the back of my mind that it would be hard for me to get pregnant, but I never actually thought it would become a reality.

Adios 2009!

2009-12-30T09:49:00.004-05:00

So this year I decided to look back at my resolutions for 2009 and see what's changed... what hasn't... and what's still in the plans for 2010.

2009, a recap:

2009 started out pretty rough for me. I broke my foot during the 3rd week in January. I did it in the most ridiculous way possible of course. I decided to try my Rebounders... a gym lined wall-to-wall with trampolines. After 5 minutes of falling on my ass, I should've realized it wasn't for me, but instead I figured I'd jump in the air and bounce off the trampoline on my butt. Needless to say, I won't be visiting that place again. I was on crutches and in a walking-boot until Mid-March.

On a more positive note, Steve had a great beginning to 2009. He started working for Coleman Technologies and has experienced a great deal of growth in his career thanks to that company. He's received a raise and bonuses pretty consistently since he began working there. After the whole Tile-Usa debaucle... we were very happy and able to live a little more comfortably on two salaries.

In February, Steve and I decided that our careers were going well and it was time to start trying to have a baby. I stopped taking birth control and we began our journey into becoming parents. More on this later...

In March, I found out that I was going to be rehired for the next school year! It was another stressful end to the school year with more budget cuts and layoffs. I was also informed that I'd be moving up to teach the 3rd grade. I was a little hesitant about it, but glad to have a job for the next school year.

The school year came to a successful end. During the summer, Steve and I were able to travel to Philadelphia to visit Jaime and Dan. It was another fabulous trip up there and we've pretty much decided that we're going to try and make it an annual tradition. In July, I had another chance to satisfy my travel obsession by taking a trip to Costa Rica with Shelly and Tara. We found an all inclusive trip (airfare, car rental, hotels) for a week in three beautiful cities in Costa Rica. We were able to go swimming in a hot spring, go ziplining and horseback riding. It was an amazing week!

In July and August we did some repairs to our home. We finally painted our cabinets and expanded our pantry. The kitchen is still a work in progress... Next up, new countertops and re-tiling the floor. I also spent a lot of the summer at Universal Studios due to the free summer passes that the Dept. of Education gave for teachers! I was able to grow in my friendships with two amazing ladies that I work with, Heather and Marina. They've honestly helped me keep my sanity when things at work get a little crazy. We went to Universal a few times this summer and enjoyed being free from work!

August started a new school year for me. I was on a new team, new grade level, and new kids. My class was a challenging one and I was faced with the most difficult child I've ever encountered. He had mental disabilities and I started on the process of working with the county to get him switched to a special program for students that are behaviorally and emotionally disturbed. On the bright side, my school was able to improve our school grade from a low D to a high C. We were 2 points away from a B! Because of the progress, we all received bonuses.

In September, I was asked to be the 3rd grade team leader. This was one of my personal goals and the next step in my career plan! The rest of the fall has gone by in a breeze. Work stress is definitely at an all time high. I haven't been able to go to the gym as much as I used to because of all of the work stresses. I volunteered to tutor three days a week. HUGE MISTAKE. It brings in a little extra money, but keeps me at work until almost 5pm daily. Lesson learned... I won't be doing that next year.

On the upside, in 2009 I was able to finish the rest of my Alternative Certification classes and I am now eligible to apply for my Professional Certificate. With that comes more assurance that I'll have a job for the next school year.

Throughout 2009, I've been fighting with the difficult decision of changing careers. As of now, I am undecided. I go back and forth and toy with the idea of going back to school for nursing. It's not that I don't like teaching... it's that I wonder if there might not be a better fit for me. I hope that 2010 will bring me more peace, confidence, and the ability to make this difficult decision.

Since March, Steve and I have been trying to have a baby. For the first couple of months we were laid back about it. We figured it would happen pretty quickly. By June, we decided to use ovulation strips and count the days. By October, we were becoming worried. In November, I discovered that I wasn't ovulating regularly. Now it's December and I'm going to see the doctor today. I really thought that in 2009 I'd become a mother and I'm sad to say that that hasn't happened. I know that there's still plenty of time and Steve and I aren't really in a rush... but I'm hoping that 2010 brings us that baby that we've been dreaming of!

2009 became the year of BOOKS for me. According to my GoodReads account, I read 52 books this year. One a week! I discovered the Hunger Games, my favorite book of all time. My friend Cayenne has been lending me tons of great books to read. I discovered that reading is not only a hobby for me, but a NEED. It's my way to destress and escape from the craziness that my life has become. I'm hoping to read even more books next year.

Well goodbye 2009. Here's to a better 2010! Happy New Year everyone!

Calling in the professionals...

2009-12-23T09:10:00.002-05:00

So I broke down and made an appt. to see the gyno next week about my pregnancy concerns. I felt silly and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but after 9 months and 2 months without ovulating I'm starting to get a little antsy. Steve thinks I should wait for a year to come before going to the doctor... but I don't see the issue with going now. If I was getting my double stripes on the ovulation tests then I'd know everything was alright. But obviously something is off....

2009-12-21T23:09:00.003-05:00

It is incredible how invigorated and rested I feel after only one day on vacation. Just knowing that I don't have to go to work tomorrow lifts this huge weight from my shoulders. It's not that I hate my job... I love working with children. It's just the extreme stress that I'm subjected to each day is really taking a toll on me physically. For the first time in weeks, I woke up feeling energized. I actually didn't get a headache today either. Which is a miracle in itself since I get headaches daily.

Needless to say, I really needed this vacation.

We don't really have anything major planned over the break. Sometimes I wish that Steve had become a teacher as he originally planned so that we'd have vacations together. I can't complain though... he has a really great job.

Baby frustration has been mounting in the past couple of months and as the new year approaches I feel even more frustrated. I figured I'd have a little munchkin of my own by this point... or at least be pretty far in my pregnancy. I was late by 3 days this time and I thought I might be pregnant. Instead, I woke up on Sunday with the worst cramps I've ever had in my life. I ended up downing a huge painkiller and spending Sunday in a drug-induced haze of self pity. Not fun.

For the first time in years, Steve and I aren't going to have to drive down to West Palm and up to Ocala within a few days. WOOHOO! We love our parents, but the traveling is starting to get a little old. This Christmas we're celebrating at my sister's house here in Orlando and then driving up to Ocala. Can't wait! I am in a little shock that this year's coming to a close. Wow... 2009, you generally sucked. Heh.

Anyways, long "2009 Recap" post to come...! Happy Holidays everyone.

TMI

2009-12-10T17:42:00.002-05:00

I hate to get my hopes up every month, but I'm praying that this is the month we finally make baby Heydorn. It's been 8 months of trying now. I never expected that it would take this long. I'm scared shitless that one-year is going to roll around and no baby.

I'm apparently not as fertile as I thought. I haven't ovulated in 2 months or so... which makes getting pregnant really damn difficult.

Anyways, just keep your prayers with us and hopefully this will be it!

Grace in Small Things 14/365

2009-11-29T22:38:00.003-05:00

1. My husband making an appetizer dinner for us tonite. Hummus, pita, veggies, cold-cuts... yum.

2. This picture:

3. Feeling hope for the next few months. I haven't felt very optimistic in a long time. It's a good feeling!

4. Jaime coming into town in a few weeks! I CANNOT WAIT!!!!

Breathe

2009-11-28T22:37:00.005-05:00

It's really hard for me to accept sometimes that I don't have to have the whole next few years of my life planned out completely. It's hard for me to let go and just BREATHE. Stress is ruining my health at the age of 27. It is time for me to make some major changes or I'm going to have major medical problems by the age of 40.

Steve said that I'm much nicer when I'm home in West Palm. I told him that the main reason is that I'm away from work. My job has turned me into a person that I am not proud of. I chew my nails down to the quick and my stomach is constantly in knots. This constant assault on my body that stress is causing is making me ill.

I made some deadlines and goals for myself for the next 6 months or so. I figured that typing everything up and keeping it somewhere visible would be a good plan. That way I don't have any excuses and I can't forget.

Also, I keep thinking about Einstein's definition of insanity. I always joke that my job is making me insane. Well here's the definition: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Well I've been doing the same thing for three years and expecting things to change and improve and they haven't. So I'm going to have the make the change happen myself.

Just some heavy thoughts for the evening.

To lighten the mood:

Here's a couples of "teasers" from our Trash the Dress photo session with the best photographers in the world! I'll be posting more once I get the disc with all the pics.

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-27T15:11:00.003-05:00

It is great to be home and spending time with my family. Ate a huge amount of food yesterday and did some major shopping today. Good times!

Grace in Small Things 13/365

2009-11-11T20:57:00.003-05:00

1. http://www.bubbalous.com/ - Bubbalou's Bodacious BBQ for dinner. It's got three dancing pigs on the sign. You can get a dish called the "Big Big Pig." How classy can you possibly get! De-li-c-ious!

2. Finding a new gym that has ZUMBA classes. Never heard of Zumba, but after watching for a few minutes I've come to the conclusion that it includes people shaking their arses to Middle Eastern music. I like.

3. Cute little student of mine being my little helper today because I wasn't feeling well. Said student organized the computer area, chairs and then came up to me and asked - "Is there anything else I can help you with Mrs. Heydorn?" Too cute!

Special on National Geographic about the Appalachian Trail. Now I am by no means a nature/outdoorsy person... but this really looked beautiful. Apparently it stretches from Georgia to Maine and people spend 5-6 months hiking the whole length of it. That seems really scary to me... but on the other hand, I can understand why someone would want to experience something like that. My idea of going backpacking is taking the Eurorail through Western Europe. Not as daring but definitely just as exciting!

Grace in Small Things 12/365

2009-11-10T21:31:00.004-05:00

1. Edy's Fruit Bars in Coconut. Doesn't matter the season... these things propel me right into the middle of summer again. LOVE it.

2. How I Met Your Mother - this show is hilarious. I love Barney (NPH!), he's hilarious. Also love the nerdy marriage of Lily and Marshall, it makes me think of Steve and I.

3. Homemade sausage and pasta sauce with veggies. My father in law made homemade sausage. How weird is that? It was absolutely delicious though.

4. It's already Wednesday and the weekend is just a couple of days away!

5. The possibility of spending next Halloween in NJ. My cousin is getting married on the 30th of October and I'm thinking we might swing over to Philly and head over to Eastern State for their Halloween festivities!

Grace in Small Things 11/365

2009-11-04T21:39:00.004-05:00

Time to pick this up again. I've had a pretty good week so far. My head is full of negative thoughts though about this pregnancy thing. Why do I have so many fertile friends? lol

Anyways, no negativity in this post. Time to focus on the GOOD!

1. OWL CITY - totally, completely in love with this music. I spent the past three weeks literally shunning all the other music on my iPod to listen to Owl City. I now can sing pretty much every word to every song on the CD. You can't be in a bad mood when you listen to it. It simply is not possible.

2.

Adam Levine. He just does it for me. Can't explain why. It's not rational. lol

3. Pumpkin Spice coffee - I have spent the past couple of months completely immersing myself in pumpkin flavored products. Muffins, bread, coffee, tea... doesn't matter. I love it all. Well, I decided that Starbucks' Pumpkin coffee is garbage. Dunkin Donuts definitely has the best one! It's so delicious... I am definitely going to miss it when the season is over.

4. Cooler (and by FL standards that means in the low 80s) weather. Thank gawd. Now I just need it to dip below 65 and I'll truly be happy.

5. Scarves - I wish I could wear one every day. I love the one I bought in Costa Rica from a street vendor. Burgundy, mustard and brown with gold threads sewn through it. It's gorgeous and it makes me think of the awesome time I had there with my girls.

Ahhh. This post made me feel better.

What to expect when you're trying to conceive...

2009-11-03T22:02:00.004-05:00

I think I'm going crazy with this trying to make a baby business. I just bought an ovulation microscope. A few months back, a friend of mine on livejournal suggested that I get one instead of using those (really expensive) ovulation predictor strips. She says a friend swore by it and got pregnant once she started using it. I didn't think it sounded very good so I didn't order it at the time. Well, I'm reading this:

And it kinda explained the reasoning behind using it etc etc... so I got online and found one for about $25. I figured... what the hell. At this point, I'm at the half-way point of FREAKING THE HELL OUT... so I don't have much to lose. Plus those ovulation pee-strips are godawful expensive. About 20 bucks a pop for only SEVEN. Whose cycle is that normal that they only need seven? I need like 27 per month to figure out what's going on.

Another gripe of mine: Hearing people's solutions that supposedly got them pregnant quicker than you can say fallopian tube.

"Have sex on the 10th, 12th and 14th day of your cycle. If your husband attempts to touch you on the 11th... 13th... or 15th... tell him to get the hell away from you."

"Stand on your head after sex."

"Don't pee right after doing the deed! You'll flush the little buggers out."

You get the picture. I've tried to lay off the stressin' over this in the past couple of cycles... but lately I'm feeling the babyitis itch coming on with a vengeance. Our original plan: pregnant by July/August. Well kids, it's November already. I'll be surprised if we conceive before the end of the year. This puts me giving birth just in time for the next school year to start. NOT COOL.

Must relax... must relax...

Read my reviews!

2009-11-03T17:48:00.001-05:00

I started a blog to review all of the books I read this year. I'm trying to read at least one book a week and so far I'm keeping up with my plan.

Check it out: http://theperfectpage.wordpress.com

I've got a city love...

2009-11-03T17:38:00.003-05:00

Steve is off on business in Denver for the week. I miss him horribly, but I'm completely ecstatic that his job is allowing him a lot of opportunities to travel. I am a little jealous of course because I would welcome the chance to hop on a plane to just about anywhere right now.

Today he called me and told me that he's completely enamoured with Denver. He loves the food, the architecture and beauty of the place. Steve has CITY LOVE! I'm so amused because I'm always telling him how much I love the city. I love the feel, smell, and pace of living in the city. I have major city love for pretty much every major city I've been. My latest crush is Philadelphia. He actually told me that he'd move there and that it's now his second favorite city (Taormina being the first. If you don't know about Taormina, look it up. It should be on your list!).

This made me immensely happy because my goal is to move out of Florida one day and experience life somewhere else. Preferably somewhere that is blessed with all four seasons. Not the two seasons that Florida gets - summer and almost summer. The leaves changing... *sigh* I wish we had that here. Steve's always been pretty stuck on the fact that he has no intention of leaving Florida if he can help it. To hear him open up to somewhere else made me smile from ear to ear.

6 Month Mark

2009-11-02T18:52:00.001-05:00

6 months of trying for baby and nothing yet. Apparently I'm not supposed to be concerned until a year. Easy for everyone to say when they're not going through it. Steve and I were really sure this was gonna be the month, but I guess it's just not meant to be yet.

FRUSTRATION!

Finally a victory!

2009-10-26T21:36:00.002-04:00

The special needs child in my classroom is finally being moved to the special classroom that he needs. I can breathe a sigh of relief not only for myself (no more desks being thrown!) but for him. He will be in a classroom with only 6 other children and 3 teachers. I can't wait to hear how he does with it all.

Another bit of good news today - I was nominated for Teacher of the Year! I'm one of the finalists at my school. Now they'll do another vote and come up with a winner. It means a lot to me because it was decided on by my fellow teachers.

Same ol' stuff going on lately with the job/career uncertainty. I am still considering all the options I talked about on here before. But another thing came up today. UCF is offering a grant for teachers to get their Masters in Reading Education. I'm going to the informational session next month to see if this would be an option for me. Reading is my passion... so why not become more specialized?

Rethinking

2009-10-22T22:07:00.003-04:00

Trying to choose the right career path is exhausting. Feeling like you may have veered down the wrong one and redirecting yourself is absolutely draining. I'm trying to take stock of my interests and goals for the next few years to make sure that I'm on the right track.

I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning. I want to feel positive. I want to do something that I LOVE and have a passion for. I know that that something is out there, I just haven't found it yet.

I daydream about the day when I'll have a career, a purpose that makes me smile and wake up in the morning filled with the possibilities of the day ahead of me.

My interests:
Books
Criminal Justice/Forensics
Children
Animals
Music

Is it unrealistic to think that I could find a career that touches on any of these? I work with children right now... but I feel like I'm spending most of my time disciplining and not teaching. I feel like I'm not reaching the children and I'm starting to doubt my abilities.

Owl City!

2009-10-17T15:13:00.003-04:00

I love being introduced to good music. My friend Kelley sent me a CD and a card when I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and I popped it into my player today and fell in love!

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Empty

2009-10-15T19:12:00.002-04:00

The past week went from being terrible... to being stressful, but not so terrible... to being bearable. The best part - I have Friday off so I have a long weekend to rest and recharge.
Good lord do I need it!

No baby yet. Technically, we started trying in April, so we're going on six months. If you want to get down to the details though, we had some "complications" a couple of the months. We were up in PA for one cycle... then I was in Costa Rica for another. So really, 4 months where we really "tried." But it still sucks. I planned on being pregnant by the end of summer. Now the first 9-weeks of school is over and we're thinking of the holidays already. Depressing. I'm impatient and I hate that day when I know my period is supposed to arrive. I try not to but I always get my hopes up. Then to top it off, I'm off of birth-control (obviously) and that makes my periods feel like DEATH. I literally want to crawl up in a hole and scream in pain.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately of where I want to be in the next year and what I want to accomplish. Steve told me that I should have a one-year goal and try to stick to it. I keep wavering... but I think that my goal is one of two things: Teach at a new school or Change careers. Just in case finding a new school doesn't work out, I'm going to go on with my plans to take classes at UCF in January.

How I'm going to swing that while I'm going through all this other crap at school is BEYOND me right now. But somehow I will make it work.

Steve's off for the evening at his friends house playing video games, so I'm going to rest and try not to wallow in self-pity all evening.

The ache

2009-10-10T19:12:00.002-04:00

I'm having major job stresses lately. Well, on top of the financial and emotional stress of being in a car wreck and having your identity stolen all in one week. I have literally been given the class from hell this year. Here's how my class looks this year:

Four retained children. Two of them are nearing 10 years old. They give me major behavior problems because they are annoyed, bored, embarassed, rejected and depressed. One of them has been retained twice. Another missed the "cut-off" to pass to 4th grade by one or two questions.
One special needs child that becomes violent at the drop of a hat. Had a desk thrown at me this week. Keeps me from teaching the other children with the behavior issues. There's a special school nearby for children like this. Because of bureaucratic CRAP, this child is being denied what they need.
One child that cries (hysterically) every day for various reasons. Often won't calm down until I say, "Suck it UP!"
Another child that refuses to look at me in the face, but will mumble disrespectful comments under his breath while I'm standing in front of him.
"The Thief." So far have had the following stolen: dry-erase markers (on the first day of school!), pencils, a box of erasers, scotch tape, bookmarks, varous library books. To top it off, this student was caught cheating on their spelling test on Friday.
"The Thug." Child that wears pants drooping down to the ankles pretty much. Refuses to do any work.

I could go on... but you get the picture. I have challenges. The child that throws furniture is the biggest challenge... but even if that child is removed from the picture... I still have my hands full. I enjoy teaching. But I've realized that with the demographic that I'm with, teaching consumes little of my time. I feel like I'm fighting against this current of negativity and resignation. Everyone at my school knows what the children are like and doesn't really expect much to change. We can change everything about our school (and we have in the past two years), but the children/families in our area will still be the same.

There will still be the chance that I get furniture thrown at me. Or that a parent threatens me. Or that the stress that I face at work will continue to make me sick. My job has been stressful from day one. I know that teaching is stressful and I knew that before I even started. What I cannot accept is the fact that I have to feel unsafe at school. There is no reason why I should even have to consider that I could get hurt at school. EVERYONE deserves the right to feel safe, respected, and supported at work.

I do not feel that this year and it scares me. It scares me to think that I maybe made a huge mistake to go into education.

It scares me to think that if I leave to pursue another career... I'll be labeled a failure, quitter, and one of those people that "just never seem to be happy..."

It scares me to think that my husband doesn't fully understand just how miserable I am right now.

It scares me to think that I might be nearing my breaking point and I just don't know what drastic steps I'll take.

Please pray that things will get better for me. Pray that there is some truth in those "cliche" statements that everyone throws out to you when you tell them your situation: Everything happens for a reason and if one door closes, another will open.

Now I can exhale...

2009-09-27T16:55:00.002-04:00

Steve and I were in a pretty bad car accident today. Thankfully, we both came out mostly unscathed. I have a couple of pulled muscles in my neck/shoulder but that's pretty much it. We are both pretty shaken though. Thank you Lord for keeping us safe today.

We were not at fault... we were actually cut off by a car trying to make a left turn when they didn't have the right of way. The impact was pretty hard and we both were pretty scared when it happened. Both airbags deployed and when that happened it shot dust into our faces. The impact was so hard that my head snapped forward and I couldn't hear or see for a few seconds. It probably all transpired in 30 seconds from impact to the time the Steve was getting out of the car to help me... but in that instant it felt like it lasted forever. I was absolutely terrified. I've never been in a situation where I truly felt like I was in danger of being seriously hurt. I was so afraid for Steve. I felt relieved when I looked over and saw that he was awake and alert.

The paramedics strapped me to the board and took me into the hospital just to be safe. I have a lot of neck pain and I'm on some meds... but all in all I don't feel that terrible. I'm going to have a terrible bruise across my boobs. The seat belts really saved us from what could've been much worse.

Again, I am thinking of how God kept us safe today. That accident couldn't been much worse than it was.

My white Corolla is totalled... still waiting from the final word from Geico... but the odds are we'll be car shopping again in about a week.

What a bad run of luck I've been having lately!!!

Things that I despise

2009-09-18T11:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, well I know before I abandoned blogging in the past month I was focusing on the positive. But I literally had the week from hell and I am allowed to wallow in self-pity for a bit.

- Feeling behind. Missing work for a week has left me completely overwhelmed. I haven't even gone back yet and my mind is spinning. I am going to need a super-sized Xanax by Monday at 3pm.

- Feeling helpless. I felt like a big bag o' crap all week long. I couldn't even get off the couch and clean my house which drove me crazy!

- Frustration. The kids that I teach leave me feeling frustrated for most of the day. How can I break through to them? Some days I feel like I am standing at the front of the class, waving my arms, screaming practically - all for nothing. They just don't get it. School is a drag and they don't care what I say... it'll never change their (or their family's for that matter) opinion.

It's been a while...

2009-09-17T22:04:00.002-04:00

School started and I literally have not taken a moment for myself...

I'm just getting over strep throat (thought I had the H1N1 virus but that came back negative), and I missed a full week of school.

Anyone that is a teacher can tell you just how horribly stressful this is. I had three different substitutes in my room within five days... it's a mess.

I'm not looking forward to this coming week.

Things are just not coming together how I imagined. I feel like I have a tenuous hold on my class this year - like at any minute they are all going to go ape shit and run screaming out of the classroom. I know that this is me perceiving it through my perfectionist eyes... but it's stressful nonetheless.

Still not pregnant, but keeping my fingers crossed for this month.

The weird thing is that I don't feel that sense of urgency that I did back in June or July. It's like our "deadline" already passed... so at this point whenever it happens it happens.

Right now my life is just work and stress. Which probably explains why I just spent the past week sick out of my mind.

I need to get back into blogging and spending some time doing the things I love... or I'm going to burn out on this school year by October.

Grace in Small Things 10/365

2009-08-18T17:00:00.004-04:00

It's been a while... but I definitely feel like I need to start this back up again. School has started and I'm exhausted and feeling the stress and pressure coming on. This year I'm more aware of it though... I'm really trying to manage it. Anyways... here goes!

1. This picture:

Make your own caption...

2. My husband bringing me roses yesterday to congratulate me on my first day of the 2009-2010 school year!

3. The promise of tapas and sangria tonight at Ceviche!

My hope

2009-08-14T23:26:00.003-04:00

This year my goal is to be a more FUN teacher. It sounds simple but it's really a hard task with all the challenges and time constraints that we're faced with. They want teachers to teach in a box... do exactly as the other teachers are doing... and lose most of our creativity. One of the things that I love about teaching is the ability to be creative. The teachers that I remember the most from my school days are the ones who took teaching to the limit. They challenged us to be creative and never settled for less than our best.

My favorite teacher was my 5th grade teacher, Ms. Neuenschwander. She was fabulous! I remember doing a "Hall of Famous People" for Social Studies. We each picked a historical figure and acted out a small skit pretending to be them. I was Clara Barton. I dressed like she would've and my sister Jessica was my "patient." I still remember sitting on the stage and performing for the other students. I remember really learning about the characters that were represented. She made me love Social Studies. Up to this day, I am a history nerd.

When we were learning about money we did a "Checkbook Study." We each got old checkbooks and Ms. N set up a store in the classroom. We were allowed to shop daily as long as we filled out the checks properly. This is where I learned to fill out a check properly - in the 5th grade!

I want to thank her for instilling a love of learning and making me into the teacher I am (or will be).

My first two years teaching have been a transition for me. I've figured out the classroom management and the paperwork nightmare. This year I want to bring more of myself into the classroom. I want each and every child in my room to know that I care about them and I will not allow them to fail. I want them to see the magic that lies between the pages of a book. I want them to see that they are important to someone.

I love teaching.

Thanks for the memories

2009-08-13T23:16:00.003-04:00

Looking at old pictures from my Delta Gamma days really makes me nostalgic. It is amazing how much has changed in the 4 years since I graduated. There were definitely ups and downs to being in a sorority. I didn't get along with everyone and there were some sisters that I never really had a conversation with. But I can tell you that it was all worth it for those few sisters that truly became my sisters.

I think that the hardest part of becoming an adult is seeing your friends grow and move on with their lives. Nothing stays the same. It's sad but inevitable.

The consolation is being able to look back on the sweetest times and feel your heart swell.

Pura Vida! - Part One

2009-08-07T17:20:00.000-04:00

Arriving, Arenal and a Very Long Hike

I'm back from my lovely vacation in Costa Rica with lots of pictures, stories, and beautiful memories. My first impression of Costa Rica was that the people were extremely accomodating and friendly.
We arrived around 10:30pm on a Thursday night and were met outside the terminal by a very pleasant man holding a sign with my name. I felt like a VIP. They took us to the car rental agency where the friendly staffed filled us in on the details of our rental. We signed and headed out by 11. Our first attempt at driving (with me behind the wheel) was a little scary. Apparently red lights are optional for Costa Rican drivers at night. We put the GPS on to lead us to our hotel and it took us to the wrong hotel. After pulling over and getting my nerves collected, we finally managed to find a McDonald's to ask for directions. It just so happens that a bike messenger was headed in our direction and said we could follow him. It was just a block or so farther and we found our first hotel, Rincon del Valle. It was super cute and extremly cozy.

The next morning (after a lovely and free breakfast) we headed out on our first major driving experience to Arenal. Arenal is not really that far away from San Jose but it takes about 4 hours to drive there. A drive that distance in the states would only take 2 hours at the most. It's the quality of the roads that really make it a challenge. We had to take winding and sometimes unpaved roads pretty much the whole way. Thankfully we had pretty decent weather and a 4WD SUV, so it was easy going.

On the way to Arenal, we stopped in Zarcero. A small little blip on the map with an interesting looking church and some topiary gardens. We had hoped to find a public restroom but unfortunately the water had been our for three days in the city so we were out of luck. We got a few pretty pictures of the church and we were on our way.

The roads in Costa Rica weren't as bad as I imagined they would be. For the most part they were paved, and even the ones that weren't paved were pretty tightly packed dirt and easily drivable. We even got to drive through a few clouds.

Our hotel in Arenal was fabulous. It was about 19km from the tourist trap of La Fortuna. At first I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't on the main strip down there... but I grew to appreciate that fact. It was quiet and relaxing at the Tilajari Resort and we loved it.

View from our balcony

That first evening in Arenal, we decided to check out the hot springs. Because Arenal is situated at the base of an active volcano, there are numerous hot springs that you can visit. Before we went I did a little research. Most of them are overpriced and crowded. Some charge almost 100 bucks for a few hours (including dinner). I ran across a great review for Ecotermales, a family-operated hot spring that only allows a max of 100 people on the premises at a time. They space let in about 15-20 each hour so it rarely feels full. For $45 we got admission and a very large dinner. Ecotermales tends to fill up pretty quickly during the high-season, so if you plan on going there definitely book in advance. If they're full there's also Tabacon or Baldi springs - but both have no limit on the number of guests they'll let in. They are more expensive and you won't get that intimate and relaxing feel like we did at Ecotermales.

This is where we had dinner. They served us rice, beans, grilled fish, tortilla, salad and dessert! I almost sunk to the bottom of the hot spring after eating.

Ecotermales was really one of the most gorgeous and serene places I've ever been. They have a large pool that's divided into different areas depending on the temperature of the water. There's also a couple of bars and you order drinks based on the "honor system" - just let them know how many at the front desk when you leave.

It was a great way to start off our trip. We drank a bit, laughed and toasted to the amazing week we just knew we had ahead of us. I joked around with Tara and Shelly and told them that when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed at work I'm going to think of Ecotermales and how incredible it felt to relax like that. For someone who is so tightly wound and stressed all the time... it was absolute heaven.

The next day, we decided to go into La Fortuna pretty early and book a horseback riding excursion. It was a 4 hour trip through the hills around the base of the Arenal Volcano eventually ending with a swim in the La Fortuna waterfall! But first... while we were waiting for the trip to leave we spent some time fooling around in La Fortuna. We found this man with some snakes and I decided that I wanted to play with them. Wow, that sounded wrong. I wanted to play with a man's snake. lol

The snake seemed pretty pleasant at first... and then it started to cozy up to my neck. Then the lovely man decides to inform me that it's a Boa Constrictor. I had to yell at the guy to take the damn thing off of me before it strangled me.

Finally it was time for our horseback riding trip! The first thing I noticed was that our horses were looking a little rough around the edges. Not happy and plump horses like the ones I rode in Jamaica. I kept hoping the poor thing wouldn't collapse with my vacation-plump ass on top of it.

We rode for about an hour and then arrived at a lookout where we could see the La Fortuna waterfall in the distance. It was gorgeous and surreal. Here I was standing in the middle of the cloud forest in Costa Rica. And I had ridden a horse to get there! Who would've thought this city girl could do that!

After spending a few minutes at the lookout it was time to make the hike down to the waterfall and go swimming. When we booked the tour they told us that it was an 100m hike from where we left the horses to the waterfall. LIAR! It was more like a kilometer. Which is close... but you have to factor in that we were literally descending the side of a mountain. The ground was uneven and trecherous. And there was this little hanging bridge that terrified my travel mates. This was the first of many ocassions during this trip where I thanked god for my lack of fear of heights.

We had a little guide dog taking us down the mountain. He was absolutely precious and probably the happiest dog I've ever seen. His name was Dolar and I wanted to steal him and take him home to play with my puppies.

After an exhausting hike down, we made it! Totally worth it. The water was refreshing (COLD!) and beautiful. I jumped right in and cooled off. Another surreal experience. We took some pictures and hopped out to start our hike up the mountain. I discovered that if I ran up the path it made it less painful and quick. Once we reached up top we were honestly ready to get on those horses and call it a day. The guide asked us if we'd like to stop by a Maleku indian village on the way back. Despite our exhaustion, we all agreed that we shouldn't pass it up!

They told us a little bit about their tribe and served us a drink made from fermented corn. It was delicious! They had some handmade crafts and we did a little shopping and hopped back on our horses. By the time we arrived back in La Fortuna, I think we were all ready to collapse from exhaustion.

We called it a night back at the Tilajari and got ready to depart to Monteverde for part 2 of our fabulous adventure. I will get into that in another post... coming soon!

Birth & Pregnancy

2009-08-05T22:13:00.003-04:00

Today I went to Heart2Heart Birthing Center for a preconception consult and tour. My lovely friend Briana joined me and we asked them about 100 questions. I LOVED IT. The midwives were amazing and the facilities were precious! They answered all of my questions and I'm going back in a couple of weeks for a well woman visit. They're going to test my estrogen and progestin levels and give me a physical. Just to make sure that all is well.

The thing I liked the best about the birthing center and the midwives was that their mission is to educate you and make you an active part of your pregnancy & birth. You might say - "Of course you're an active part of your pregnancy & birth - IT'S YOURS!" This is not the case though. In hospitals the doctor makes all the decisions and sometimes their decisions are not done in your best interest. I want to have my baby without being in a drug induced fog. I want to only have a c-section is I need it and I want to know that my doctor is looking out for ME instead of trying to fit my birth experience into his busy schedule.

I'll get off my soapbox now. But seriously, if you do the research you'll see that the US has the highest instance of c-sections in the world. Also, Florida has a 30-something-percent c-section rate. The main hospital in Orlando for women and babies has a 53% c-section rate. My midwife/birthing center: 6%.

Okay, I'm done for real now.

Costa Rica blog post still in progress. I just got Shelly's pictures... still waiting on Tara's and I want to add their perspectives in before I post. Also, we did A LOT and this week has been extremely hectic and hard to find time to sit down and reflect the way I want to.

Grace in Small Things 9/365

2009-08-03T22:26:00.005-04:00

Still working on a super long post about Costa Rica (including pictures). Should be up by the end of the week!

For now I will resume my GIST...

1. Sweet by Miss Holly - delectable, fun, and HUGE gourmet cupcakes. I have been there a few times. I limit myself to one cupcake every few months and visit frequently for their Tart Frozen Yogurt. Today I had their Marble cupcake. It was so soft and scrumptious! For a dollar you can get a glass of frosty 2% milk to go with it. Which brings me to number 2...

2. ICE COLD Milk. I love my milk nearly freezing. Sometimes I add ice cubes but it just doesn't do it right. At Sweet, they have a frosty milk dispenser. I want one in my house.

3. Having my classroom set up for the new school year a couple of weeks in advance. I will actually use preplanning to plan my curriculum this year! Instead of moving furniture and organizing! YAY!

4. Steve and I have decided that we're going to use a midwife and birthing center to have our baby. We found Heart 2 Heart Birthing Center in Sanford and I'm going to visit on Wednesday. It looks amazing and I'm totally excited about going for my preconception appt.

Grace in Small Things 8/365

2009-07-21T23:13:00.003-04:00

I will be on hiatus after tonight... as I will be off on my Costa Rican adventure!

1. The Dessert Lady - decadent, delicious, divine. I met with my book club there tonight and we got a couple of their sampler platters. Three words: Coconut Brulee Cheesecake. HEAVEN!

2. My book club! I met some awesome people at the first book club I was a part of and we decided to branch off and start our own. I love the chats we have and it's great to have met some amazing friends here in Orlando.

3. Getting some help for my anxiety. I know that it's becoming a problem and it's a huge weight lifted off of me to know that I'll be able to talk to someone about it.

4. Anthony Bourdain. This man is my hero. Not only does he travel like a maniac - he drinks like a fish and eats like a pig. He makes Samantha Brown look like a damn wimp. I want to go on a trip with him and drink and eat myself into oblivion.

Grace in Small Things 7/365

2009-07-20T23:16:00.005-04:00

Woohoo! A full week of appreciating the little things in my life. I haven't really written much of substance lately, because life has been pretty mundane. Steve and I didn't conceive this month. I thought about writing about that... but it makes me sad and I know that there's another chance coming up soon. I'll obsess about it later. Off to the little joys of my day...

1. This picture makes me happy. I love the Jacob-Bella-Edward "love-triangle." And I love Jacob. I know this makes me a teeny-bopper and the dude that plays Jacob is like 12. Love his character though.

2. Downloading all of The Fray's songs today. I really love them. Especially, "Never Say Never."

3. Wrestling with my hubby on the couch because he was being a punk.

4. These muffins that I made. Coconut + Blueberry + Macadamia Nuts = HEAVEN!

Grace in Small Things 6/365

2009-07-19T22:42:00.003-04:00

Having a hard time finding something GREAT about today... for some reason all I seem able to focus on is the frustrations I had (bickering w/the hubby... the extremely stupid cashier at Wal-Mart...). I am going to TRY though.

1. The Harry Potter series. Just saw The Half-Blood Prince and it was great.

2. Simply Orange juice with Mango. De-li-ci-ous.

3. Making Oven-Baked Fried Chicken & Sweet Potato Fries for dinner - SUPER YUM.

4. A wonderful evening with my family in CityWalk.

Grace in Small Things 5/365

2009-07-18T23:34:00.004-04:00

1. 4 days until Costa Rica - I can't believe it's here already.

2. Spending the day at Universal with my parents and sister. It was EXTREMELY hot, but I laughed pretty much all day. I'm exhausted and content.

3. Mango Margarita's from Margaritaville - divine!

4. Getting HD channels for my big flipping TV.

5. Chinese Laundry shoes - they have the most comfortable and cute shoes. I am not a heel person, but for some reason I am able to walk in their shoes. I love them!

Grace in Small Things 4/365

2009-07-16T11:29:00.002-04:00

1. Little Maya dog and her overwhelming cuteness:

2. Lunch with my cute little husbie at Relax Grill at Lake Eola.

3. Buying a new planner and feeling organized.

4. Seeing my parents down at Universal tonight! (Possible some Rising Star karaoke?)

Grace in Small Things 3/365

2009-07-15T23:15:00.005-04:00

1. Sitting by the St. John's River in Sanford and reading my book.

2. Playing Final Fantasy XII on my big arse TV. Yes, I play video games.

3. The gorgeous crepe myrtle in front of my house and it's hot-pink blooms.

4. My family in town this weekend!

5. Finding a pair of Ann Taylor pants that fit perfectly at my fave consignment shop.

Grace in Small Things 2/365

2009-07-14T22:28:00.004-04:00

1. An 8:30am walk around the neighborhood with my pooches.

2. Mickey D's Sweet Tea. Sidebar: I hate McDonald's with the fire of a thousand suns. I haven't eaten there in like 2 years and the last time was just for the sausage biscuit and because I was desperate. But their sweet tea is delicious. And probabaly has about eight gazillion calories.

3. Making two delightful little floral arrangements for my front window.

4. Gym workout with my husband for an hour.

5. Peppering my DK Eyewitness guide for Costa Rica with sticky-note "to-do" lists and post-it tabs. And DK Eyewitness guides - these things are the BEST.

Maybe next time?

2009-07-14T11:57:00.003-04:00

So this is how it's going to be I guess until I see that plus sign. "Period Day" will arrive and I'll spend all day wondering when the damn thing is gonna arrive. Today I felt pretty good... no cramps... and then I got a headache, backache and I started to spot.

Disappointment numero quatro. Blech.

I'm going to try and see the GRACE in this situation. At least I know that I am regular. To. The. Day. I knew it was supposed to come today, and it did. This makes planning a lot easier. Another plus - I won't be traveling to Costa Rica pregnant. That made me a little nervous.

Also, next month is really the last month where we should keep trying - because if we want to have our baby in the late spring/summer 2010, it lines up just perfectly.

I think Steve and I are pretty sure that we're not going to stop trying until it happens though. Even if the timing doesn't line up how we wanted it... we're just gonna go with the flow!

Well, I'm going to try and quell my disappointment and anxiety by going shopping for my Costa Rica trip.

Grace in Small Things 1/365

2009-07-13T23:22:00.002-04:00

I got this idea from Jaime and I thought it was a great idea. Sometimes the stress makes me overlook the good that surrounds me.

1. Finishing up the first season of Tru Blood. (and Sam Merlotte and his yummy little self)
2. My mom calling to tell me that she loves the way we're fixing up our house.
3. Painting the cabinets all by myself.
4. The Book Thief - quite possibly one of the best books I've ever read. Absolutely beautiful.

The City of Brotherly Love, Take 2

2009-07-06T16:23:00.024-04:00

I love me some Philadelphia. Last year I got the quick two-day version... this year I spent a little more time, and totally loved it. It's such a colorful, lively and interesting city. There's so many different things to eat, neighborhoods to explore and interesting people around. I can't wait 'til my next visit.

We started off the weekend right with a mission to solve one of the great foodie debates of the century - Geno's or Pat's?

We started out by going to the "flashier" of the two, Genos. After briefly studying the menu (gotta get that lingo down... "Wit'?") ordered a cheesesteak with provolone. Jaime ordered some fries and we all sat down to check it out. First thought: This is kinda dry. I wish we had ordered it with Cheez Wiz- apparently the only way to truly experience a cheesesteak. Jaime was less than pleased with her fries. They were kinda like the Ore-Ida fries you find in the freezer section. Geno's was covered with pictures and autographs from every celebrity imaginable, so that was pretty cool.

Anyways, after that we crossed the street to Pat's for a more subtle and quiet take on the Philly staple. This time we ordered it "wit" (onions) and slathered in Cheez Wiz (is that even made of cheese?). It was served to us oozing with the neon yellow deliciousness.

It was immediately clear who was the winner. The actual meat on Pat's cheesesteaks was softer, juicier and definitely tastier. The bread was better and even the fries were deemed much better by Jaime. We had a winner!

After stuffing our faces to our hearts content, we hobbled over to downtown Philly and hopped on the subway. I get such a kick out of riding the subway, so I was stoked. This was shortlived however, when I realized that Philly's subway pretty much smells like urine. I kinda think that it's not a coincidence that SEPTA sounds just like SEPTIC. I still got a small kick out of it because it reminded me of my times traveling in Europe.

Our next stop was the disturbingly graphic Mutter Museum of Medical Oddities! I'd seen this place in my Weird US book and knew I had to make a stop. No pictures were allowed so all you get is the sign.

The place was stuffed with all kinda of gory and graphic medical stuff, i.e. a man's colon that was bigger than my body, a "collection" of skulls with bullet holes in them, a shrunken head, a burnt penis. Yeah, really weird crap. It was interesting, but after about 2 hours of looking at deformed baby fetuses in jars, I was ready to go.

I got to see some things of historical significance this time. Last time, I was a bad little traveler and bypassed most of the historical goodies. I tend to lean towards the weird instead of museums and such... (Have I ever written about how I bypassed the Louvre to go to the underground catacombs in Paris?)

One of my favorite parts of the day we spent in Philly was when we found this little hole-in-the-wall bar and spent a couple of hours playing pool, darts and drinking beer. Oh, and blaring music on the jukebox upstairs. We had a whole room to ourselves and it was good times. It made me realize why I love these people so much. Because I can act completely retarded and they still love me. And they act retarded with me.

On our last day in PA, I had the weird idea to search for a winery in the area. See, I had this great experience visiting a winery in Starlight, Indiana when I was staying in Louisville, KY last year and I discovered that there are wineries just about everywhere. Little, family-run, adorable places. So I went online and found this little gem. Check out their website, it is sarcastic and clever and awesome. So we piled in the car and headed to check it out.

Va La was gorgeous. It was in the middle of Avondale, a picturesque little town. There's farm houses, cute shops and rolling hills. Love it!

Jaime, Dan, Steve and I payed 10 bucks and got a sampling of four different handcrafted wines and cheeses. It was delicious and so much fun. They also had semolina bread and homemade olive oils around that you could dip while you drank. We took our last glass of wine outside and enjoyed the scenery. What a beautiful location. Who would've thought! Southeastern PA Wine country, whadya know.

We ended the weekend by going to a BYOB sports bar and watching the Magic game. BYOB sports bar! What a great concept. We got a bunch of wings and watched the game while drinking an assortment of different beers.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. We made tons of amazing memories and everytime I hear "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies I'll be taken back to those hours we spent at that seedy little bar playing pool and laughing our asses off. I love my friends and I can't wait 'til Philly Take 3!

Clean Slate

2009-06-23T23:57:00.003-04:00

The best part about teaching: The fact that every August, you get to "start over" again.

Some people think that teachers are spoiled for getting the summer off. Well in reality, after the stress of dealing with 20+ children day-in and day-out, you really need that time to refocus. This is the first summer where I have time truly to myself and a chance to reflect on what I did wrong and what I want to change.

I took a great class today about Cooperative Learning and Learning Environment. I have so many great ideas about changes that I want to make and things that I want to take a step further. Every year it gets easier and I can already see what a huge difference just going from year one to year two made.

I like my job and even though sometimes I seem like I'm burnt out and ready to throw in the towel, something always keeps me wanting to try harder. Usually when I get to the burn out point, I get a lovely vacation to make me change my mind. :)

Oh and I can't forget that despite the fact that they drive me insane... my students need me.

P.S. I am due for a HUGE post about our Philly/West Chester/NJ trip a couple of weeks ago. I have all the pictures uploaded and I am going to dedicate some time to a substantial post about the amazing time that I had!

Still TTC...

2009-06-21T19:16:00.002-04:00

I was all hyped up this month... well, unfortunately my little "friend" arrived today (a week early) and I am definitely not pregnant.

I am trying not to be bummed - we've only been trying since April. We're going on three months of trying in a few weeks... so I know that we're OK still.

I just guess I thought it would be easier? It seems to be easier for all the people around me.

*sigh* There's always next month, right?

Pregnancy Update!

2009-06-18T21:45:00.002-04:00

I've been using ovulation predictor (pee strips) since the beginning of this month. I began right after my period stopped and over two weeks went by without any indication that I was ovulation. Needless to say, I was getting frustrated. Every morning it was the first thing I was doing. Peeing on those damn sticks. I started freaking out and thinking that maybe I wasn't ovulating? Not good. Anyways, finally last Friday I got the two dark lines! After 18 friggin' days. I was ecstatic. I am normal! The reason I was worried is because I'm so irregular. Anyways, we tried really hard this month... but now the waiting.

I have to wait until at least Sunday before I test. I have literally 5 pregnancy tests stocked under my sink in the bathroom. One of them says it'll work up to 4 days before the expected start of your period... but there's only a 69% accuracy if you do it that early. If I wait until next Friday, it'll have like a 98% accuracy. I don't want my impatience to cause me to get a false negative. I might just break down and do it on Monday though. I can't stop thinking that I might be carrying a baby inside of me already. It's scary and exciting. I don't want to get my hopes up just yet though.

We are so ready to have a family. It's so exciting to think that Steve adn I are about to take this awesome step in our lives together!

Details...

2009-06-10T00:52:00.002-04:00

So I broke down and changed our car rental reservation to automatic for our trip to Costa Rica. The thing that prompted it: My driving lesson with my sister on her manual transmission car. Not so good. I mean, I did OK... but I was so nervous and shaky afterwards. I came home and was flipping through my guidebook and noticed this large section on how treacherous Costa Rica's roads can be. I remember reading something about how they have one of the highest incidences of traffic accidents in the world... YEAH, not good. So I immediately called up the travel agent and for $100 more I switched to an automatic car.

It was kinda a hurdle that I wanted to get over though... if you've read my blog for a while you've read about my Nice Trip in 2003. I had a traumatic experience...

Anyways now that that little detail is handled, I feel like I can fully enjoy my trip. Costa Rica here I come...

2 Years

2009-06-02T22:01:00.003-04:00

I'm not too good at the sappy stuff, but I know this much - I married someone that loves me completely for me. My favorite times are of us driving around and dancing and singing in the car to the classic rock station. I like being able to plop down on the couch on a Tuesday night and watch the travel channel and daydream about how we'll visit those places together. I love knowing that I can tell you anything and you won't turn your back on me.Here's to many more happy years together. I love you Steve!

By the way...

2009-05-31T22:59:00.001-04:00

I'm going to COSTA RICA in July! Tickets are purchased... and Tara and Shelly are coming with me!

Sanibel and Captiva Islands - 5/29-5/31, 2009

2009-05-31T22:42:00.009-04:00

This weekend my husband surprised me by taking me on a weekend getaway for our anniversary. We spent three days staying at the Casa Ybel Resort on Sanibel Island: http://www.casaybelresort.com/

It was absolutely breathtaking! The resort itself is beautiful! It sits on the pristine beach at the south end of Sanibel Island. Our hotel room was a suite - and OCEANFRONT! Our goal was to relax and spend some much needed time de-stressing. We rented some scooters on Saturday and spent some time driving down to Captiva Island, a tiny little island next to Sanibel. We spent a couple of hours at the beach there.

We also had some GREAT food while staying in Sanibel. Anyone who knows me knows that one of my main joys with traveling is being able to experience some different foods. For breakfast one day, we ate at The Island Cow, a great little family-owned venture with exceptional breakfast and a quirkly island atmosphere. For dinner last night we ate at Doc Ford's, an exceptional place with some of the best scallops I've ever had (I am a sucker for seafood - especially scallops!)

The best thing was that Steve and I got to forget about our responsibilities at home for a weekend. We could put aside the whole trying to get pregnant thing, the bills that we have to pay, the work stress and just be with each other.

On the way back from Sanibel, we stopped by St. Petersburg and checked out the Dali museum! It was FABULOUS. I love Salvador Dali - he's eccentric, unique and completely interesting. We saw a bunch of his work and heard a few intriguing stories about his crazy ass.

All in all, it was a GREAT way to spend our 2nd anniversary. I am so very lucky to have such a loving and romantic husband!

Jaime

2009-05-20T22:49:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite people in the world was here in Orlando for a couple of days.

I love Jaime because she is probably one of the most down-to-earth and cool chicas on the planet. She gets my raunchy humor and agrees with my nerdy taste in music. She's probably the only person I know that know more obscure song lyrics than I do. It sucks that she lives far away, but I was glad that we were able to do a little catching up. I really needed to relax and have some good laughs.

See ya again in your neck of the woods in a few weeks - love ya girl!

Costa Rica

2009-05-20T22:43:00.002-04:00

So the Seattle trip might be swapped out for Costa Rica. I know, completely different location... very random. I get all these travel deals via email, and I happened upon this one today:

Experience Costa Rica's rain forests, volcanoes and colorful wildlife without the hassle and expense of self-packaging by booking this $499 vacation special.
This six-night fly-and-drive package saves at least $200 OFF similar packages in the market and includes:
Roundtrip airfare to San Jose from Miami (see additional departure cities below)
Six hotel nights: two in San Jose, two in Arenal, two in Monteverde
Seven-day 4x4 SUV mini/manual car rental with unlimited mileage
Daily breakfast
Airline fuel surcharges

Now I have to convince Shelly and Tara that we should do this instead. My husband is a little less than thrilled, but I explained to him that I was definitely going to spend at least 600 bucks going to Seattle (probably more). This includes EVERYTHING except food. You cannot beat that!

Life has been so hectic and demanding lately that all I can seem to think of is travel. I need to refocus and destress this summer big time. This might also be the last summer that I have fully to myself. I want to be completely selfish and focus on myself for a couple of months before I become a mommy. That way when it does happen, I'll feel satisfied and ready. I just need that one last "fling" with travel.

Insanity

2009-05-18T16:51:00.004-04:00

The past couple of weeks have been so ridiculously busy, I really haven't had time to write a substantial post. Here's the past couple of weeks in a nutshell:

Got officially rehired at school. Teaching 3rd grade next year, switching classrooms, possibly not teaching ESOL anymore. Happy to have a job, not complaining!

Been trying to get pregnant for about a month now. Will know in a few weeks if we were successful. Want to be pregnant by JULY.

Those of you that know me, know that books are my obsession. I was part of a book club that I found on meetup and have made a couple of really awesome friends. The book club started reading some super lame books (i.e. "ChickLit" and Romance) so we branched off and started our own group. We're reading "Peony in Love" by Lisa See.

11 days of school left (PRAISE THE LORD) and I cannot wait! The kids are ready and I have been ready for about a month.

Steve and I are toying with the idea of trying to rent out our house so that we can move to a safer neighborhood.

------------------

And last but definitely NOT least... I present to you, the travel line-up for Summer 2009:

??? Surprise Trip (Steve's taking me somewhere but won't tell me where) - May 29-31

Philadelphia/New Jersey - June 11-15

Miami - end of June

West Palm - 4th of July-ish

Seattle - July 20-24

-----------------

Dear USA,

I feel that I have neglected you in the past few years with my relentless Europe obsession. In an effort to show that I realize I live in a pretty nice place, I will be bouncing around the borders of my own country this summer. I hope to have a better appreciation (and fuller bank account) after the summer is over.

Gracias, Ms. Wanderlust

Maybe next month

2009-05-04T19:52:00.000-04:00

Period has arrived... no baby Heydorn.
BOO. :(

Not going to get disappointed, I am so irregular it's honestly a guessing game to figure out when the time is actually right...

At this moment, glad I'm not preggers because I seriously need a glass of wine and a midol.

It's official

2009-04-26T13:23:00.003-04:00

I'm getting rehired, Steve got a raise (and a bonus)

We are officially trying to get pregnant. We started last week. It's so exciting actually thinking that this is it...

We're hoping that it won't take long because we're trying to time it with my vacation time from school.

Since I'm trying now, we've been reading a lot about the things I should and shouldn't be doing/eating. Of course no more alcohol, cutting back on fish, no sushi, lots of leafy greens and prenatal vitamins.

More fun to come...

I rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints... the saints are much more fun...

2009-04-20T22:11:00.002-04:00

This weekend was amazing! It was nonstop fun and I really needed it. We went to Cypress Gardens, the Central FL Fair, and tubing down at Rock Springs. I am tanned, exhausted, and content.

The past couple of years have been difficult for Steve and I here in Orlando. We moved back because we wanted to be near our friends. I remember being up in Jax while he was on deployment and all I wanted was to come back to Orlando to be with my friends. Then when we moved back it seemed like everyone went their own way and/or grew apart. I understand though, that is what happens when people graduate and move on with their lives. It has taken us a while, but I think that Steve and I have finally found a good core group of friends to hang out with here. We've toyed with the idea of leaving Orlando, but I've noticed that we're both feeling much more content about this place lately.

I have to admit that there is A LOT of stuff to do in Orlando. If you make the effort, there's a ton of stuff to keep you busy.

The only thing that we're not thrilled about is our house. We want a nicer place but mostly we want to live in a safer area. It would be nice to just take the dogs out for a walk and not have to worry about being alone outside. Hopefully things will look up soon and we can roll out of the hood...

In other news - STEVE GOT A RAISE TODAY! After only 90 days of employment. OH and he got a bonus also. Things are going well for me at work also... I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it looks like I'll be rehired.

It seems like things are really setting themselves up for us. Maybe it is the right time for Baby Heydorn? :)

Music is the script of life

2009-04-10T23:04:00.002-04:00

I always have associated certain songs with trips that I've taken. Just like the smell of coffee and cigarettes takes me back to Madrid, there is music that makes me feel like I'm on the train again... or that I'm sitting in my seat 30,000 miles above the ocean on my way to another place.

Yesterday I was driving home from a particularly shitty and trying day at work. My eyes were bloodshot and my throat was hoarse from yelling all day. Head throbbing, I plugged in my iPod to try and escape. Clocks by Coldplay came on and I instantly remembered listening to that song on my return to Madrid to study abroad. It was ridiculous how much it made me literally ache inside.

If I ever hear Drops of Jupiter by Train, I feel like I'm driving down a winding road in Iceland... having to stop to avoid a herd of really huge Icelandic sheep.

Voce me Apareceu by Kaleidoscopio (look this one up, it's hiliarously fun) - I'm in a bathtub in Sicily relishing in my first bubble bath in a couple of months and resting my aching travel-feet.

I daydream of standing on top of the Emmanuel Building in Rome with my husband (fiance at the time) everytime I hear City of Blinding Lights by U2.

The list can go on forever. Travel and Music go hand in hand for me. How about you?

Blech

2009-04-03T00:49:00.001-04:00

I'm having some kind of personal crisis.

Turning 27 effed with my head, like majorly.

I'm sad because I know that I am getting older. I feel like I need to reclaim some of my youth by getting drunk and going out to party. But when I do these things, I just feel like coming home to read a book.

Is it time to stop fighting the inevitable?

We all get old, college is over, let it go.

BLECH.

Sidebar

2009-03-31T23:43:00.001-04:00

P.S. Steve is totally cool with me going to Spain this summer. I submitted my application to the Pueblo Ingles program today... fingers crossed!

Goodbye 26

2009-03-31T23:36:00.002-04:00

In about 30 minutes, it will officially be my birthday.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Also, I am a little bit drunk right now... so I don't know how coherent this post is going to be... but ahh well.

I have mixed feelings about this because I am glad of where I've come. I've done a lot since college, I've really figured out who I am, I've worked hard and established a career.

I'm sad because I haven't accomplished anywhere near what I expected I'd accomplish at this point.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of being a kid and an adult. I'm not ready to throw myself head-on into adulthood... mortgages, babies, bills, etc etc... but yet I'm not in the college mentality anymore. I'm stuck in that awful limbo that is the mid-twenties. Although, technically I've just left my mid-twenties behind. *sigh*

This year I want to:

Travel to Spain
Read 50 books
Write a song
Sing in public
Get another tattoo
Paint a picture
Sell my cards/invites on the internet
Learn how to bake a wedding cake
Work on my book
Meet 5 new friends
Speak more Spanish
Paint my house
Run in at least 2 5Ks

I could continue adding to this list... but these are the things that come to mind first in my inebriated state.

Life is too short to settle on, "I guess this is OK." I need to start feeling that passion that I used to feel. I need to start taking risks again and living the way that gives me butterflies in my stomach. I have it in me. I need to just LIVE!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Crazy Summer

2009-03-31T15:17:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking of doing something crazy this summer. Let me lead you through my train of thought here...

I'm on Spring Break right now from school and I'm really enjoying the free time to just reflect and relax. I spent the day wandering the stores and stopping for lunch and coffee. I'm reading a lot and I just feel at peace. Doing things alone doesn't bother me at all. It's kinda fun for me every now and then to feel independent.

So as I was having lunch I was thinking of how one of the main perks of being a teacher is having a whole summer free. Free summer = lots of travel opportunities. Last summer was difficult. Lots of classes to take, credits to catch up on, and a TON of family drama. This summer promises to be much more relaxing. Steve and I are trying to time me getting pregnant. We figure late July or August. Next summer ('10) I will either be really pregnant or with a new baby. So this summer is my last hurrah of freedom.

A friend of mine participated in this program: http://puebloingles.com. You show up in Madrid and they transport you to a small town outside of the city where business people and students go to practice English. You are provided free lodging and all three meals as well as cultural activities. My friend did it twice and he LOVED it. The only thing I'd have to pay for is my transport to Spain and any extra days I spent in the city.

I applied to see what I am offered... but here's my dilemma.

I feel completely selfish for wanting to do this. I know that Steve won't be able to come with me. I know that he would never tell me not to go, but he would definitely feel some resentment towards me for going. I could probably make the whole thing happen for under $1000 bucks... but still. I'd feel really selfish for doing it. I'm going to talk to him about it today and see what he thinks.

Croatia

2009-03-21T22:57:00.002-04:00

It totally enrages me that Bridget from the Girls Next Door gets to go to one of my top ten destinations in the world.

How do these bimbos actually get their own television shows? I am going to have a rage blackout.

Another great one

2009-03-19T16:55:00.002-04:00

You all know how ridiculously obsessed I am with Twilight. Well I think I actually found another young adult book that I like better. Yes, I know that I am way to old to be reading young adult literature. But sometimes I don't feel like putting a lot of thought into what I'm reading. I want an escape and stress reliever. Seriously, the last book I read before this one was about polygamy in Utah. Not a light read. So I picked up this one and I have become obsessed! Completely action-packed, good story line, definitely a page-turner. The second book comes out in Sept. 2009.

Read it!

Thank you OCPS

2009-03-19T10:25:00.002-04:00

Apparently the geniuses down at the School Board were just a tad bit off the mark when projecting the budget cuts for the upcoming school year.

Instead of a cut of $102 million (which was ridiculous to begin with)
The cuts will now be $240 million.

What this means to me: I'll be unemployed as of early June.

Nothing is 100% definite, but my principal told us that now would be a great time to start looking into that Plan B...

What else this means to me: No baby. Once again, baby plans nixed...

God, please gimme a break

2009-03-17T22:07:00.003-04:00

So this is how my day went:

7:30- Arrive at school, get classroom ready for kiddies.
8:30- Kids enter class, refuse to do morning work, bouncing off classroom walls.
9:05- Attempt to start reading lesson, children not focused.
9:30- Student decides she's going to shred and draw with crayon all over her vocabulary.
9:50- Office called for help because student won't sit in seat. Mrs. Heydorn starts to "lose it"
10:00- Assistant Principal enters room and yells at abnoxious brat student.
10:45- Lunch. Student refuses to get in lunch line.
11:27- Student escorted to office for detention.
12:30- Class is bouncing off walls again. Takes 10 minutes to get students in line for Specials.
1:05- Students come back from Specials, talking throughout Math lesson.
2:00- Partner project in Math cancelled because students are fighting.
2:40- Heads down, lights out until bell rings. Class-wide "time out"
3:00- Mrs. H about to QUIT THIS GOD AWFUL JOB, goes to speak to bratty student's mom.
3:30- Bratty student's mom crying and asking "I don't know what to do with her!!!," Mrs. H thinking - how about disciplining your child!?
3:45- Doctor gives Mrs. H the clear to go to the gym because of healed foot. (GOOD NEWS FINALLY!)
4:30- Mrs. H arrives at home, crazy neighbor acosts her while she's trying to enter her home.
4:40- Finally able to enter my house, changing and then my crazy neighbor calls me. I don't answer.
9:00- Driving home from book club, I almost run over a cat and a possum.

SERIOUSLY! IS THIS REALLY MY LIFE!?

Eating Healthy

2009-03-11T15:40:00.004-04:00

In the past few years I've really changed my diet. Growing up I used live on rice and beans and a few veggies here and there. When I went to college it definitely got worse. I remember down at UM, I used to subsist on Easy Mac and Hot Pockets. After I studied abroad, I started to get a little bit better about food. I saw how they ate over in Spain and it really motivated me to try some new things.

Now that I'm trying to get pregnant, I really want to make sure that I'm as healthy as I can be. I have pretty much cut out red meat - I saw pretty much because I slip every now and then and have a burger. I'm cutting down on processed foods. I also stopped drinking diet soda and cut back my regular soda drinking. I'm totally into this organic eating thing.

Steve and I have started our own container garden in an effort to affordably get our hands on some organic stuff. We are growing cucumbers, tomatoes, and green beans. Then we a shelf full of herbs - basil, oregano, parsley and cilantro. Everything is starting to sprout up and it looks lovely!

Another option

2009-03-06T16:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I received my acceptance letter to UCF. I have the option of going back for my Nursing degree if I should choose to do so...

I'm pretty set on the idea of starting a family though. Very set on it actually. The problem is my job. It is slowly killing me.

OK, I know I'm being melodramatic... but some days I leave there thinking, am I getting paid enough to deal with the stress? Trying to teach people's kids the basic skills of how to deal with other people? No hitting, don't push, treat others as you'd like to be treated.... AHHH on top of the curriculum (which is demanding in itself). I feel like sometimes I could honestly use a clone of myself in the classroom; there is so much to do.

At the end of the week, I feel jaded and exhausted. If someone asked me right now if I enjoy teaching, I'd tell them no.

But ask me on one of those days where my kids are well behaved, I feel well rested, and I have lots of "AHA" moments in my classroom... and I'd tell you that I wouldn't give it up for anything.

*sigh*

Musings

2009-03-03T18:30:00.002-05:00

Today was absolutely awful. I didn't feel like I was in control of my classroom for most of the day and I kept trying EVERYTHING to get them focused. This class has really challenged me in ways that I never knew were possible.

I was driving home and wondering - how in the world am I going to teach all day long, go pick up my child, and then be a good mom? How do working women do it? I'm so mentally and physically drained after a day with my class, that all I want to do is veg. That won't really be an option when I have a small child around.

I know it can be done... lots of teachers do it... but HOW?

Changes

2009-02-28T22:45:00.002-05:00

Steve and I have decided to have a baby.

I took my last birth control pill today. We are going to wait for about a month to get me on a normal cycle... and then we're going to try and make baby Heydorn.

I'm planning on using this blog to write about the whole experience. Right now we're in the planning stage. Getting me as healthy as can be so that I can have a healthy pregnancy. I've stopped drinking coffee and started taking prenatal vitamins. I'd still be going to the gym if it wasn't for my broken foot... but by next month I should be all healed up.

This is a big decision for us, but we are ready! How exciting...!

I'm applying for this job...

2009-02-09T19:57:00.002-05:00

... if I get it, this blog will become extremely more interesting...

Name: Aci School
Location: Turkey
Address: Konaklar Mahallesi, Akagac Sokak No:2, 4. LeventIstanbul, 34330 Turkey
Telefone: +902122809191
Fax: +902122790910

Description:
AÇI SCHOOL Istanbul, Turkey Açi School is co-educational private school, from pre-Kindergarten to Grade 12, with an enriched curriculum. Açi School is located in a central area of Istanbul, Turkey. Our enrolments are currently just over 650 students; we have a dynamic teaching staff and access to the latest in educational supplies and equipment. Açi School is a private Turkish school with an advanced English program. The Açi preschool program, which is taught in English, was developed to compliment the inquiry based primary program.

Salary: Competitive and tax free

Benefits: annual r/t air ticket, furnished housing, health insurance, work permit expenses Requirements: According to Turkish Ministry of Education, candidates must have both bachelor degree and a teaching certificate. Native in English Language Positions for the 2009-2010 Academic Year: Kindergarten Teachers/Primary English Teachers/High School English
annual round trip airfare housing and utilities paid for, except telephone and cable work permit expences private health insurance 2 year contract hot lunch when school is open

General Qualifications:
According to Turkish Ministry of Education, candidates must have bachelor degree and a teaching certificate. Native in English Language

Fireproof

2009-02-01T13:18:00.002-05:00

Steve and I watched this last night, and I really enjoyed it. At first I was a little iffy about it, but it ended up really impressing me. As I mentioned before, Steve and I tried The Love Dare a few months back and that's a big part of the movie. Basically, a couple is ready for divorce and the husband's father suggests that he gives it 40 days more and try out this Love Dare. It has all these ways to bring the life back into your marriage and to do little unexpected things for your partner.

I highly suggest it for anyone that's a newly (or not so newly) wed. It made me and Steve really appreciate each other just a little bit more.

Opportunity is what happens when your plans fall through...

2009-02-01T13:05:00.002-05:00

I've pretty much decided to go back to school. I know that I have toyed with this decision for the past year or so, but I think that unfortunate circumstances are pushing me towards it again. I don't really have anywhere to move up in the teaching field right now and going to school for my Master's in teaching is a lost cause. I'll never make the money I deserve and for the next few years at least I'll live in fear of losing my job.

This summer I'll start by taking a few science classes and I'll keep on until Spring of '10. At that time, I'll apply for the accelerate RN program at UCF. I already talked with the advisor and it looks like I could be completely finished 15 months after that. So we're talking Fall 2011. It was a hard decision to make because that puts me at finishing school at 29. No children until then. No children until early 30's actually. But at least when we do... I'll have a career that's in demand. I'll be able to find a good job and not worry about having to lose it.

Life is so confusing sometimes. I think I'm on the right path and that I've found a career I'm good at. I feel like I'm naturally a good teacher. I just know how to deal with children. It's not something that was taught to me, I just feel it. But now that's all been pulled out from under me. My chances of leaving Engelwood are 0% and even if I could suck it up and stay at there... the stress of working with this population of difficult children is really taking a toll on my body. The creativity and joy of teaching has been taken away and the children are suffering for it. I don't believe in what I see... and I can't support something I don't believe in.

I'm excited about the prospects of being a student again. I feel like this might be my chance to repair some of the mistakes that I made as an undergrad. I was completely unprepared to be a serious student at 18, and now I feel more confident and infinitely more motivated.

Here's what the schedule will look like:

Summer '09 - Human Nutrition, Chemistry and Lab
Fall '09 - Anatomy, Microbiology, Sociology
Spring '10 - Physiology, Statistics, Developmental Psych
Fall '10 - Enter RN program... finish 15 months later

Here's to hoping things will look up for me.

Frustrations

2009-01-26T16:38:00.002-05:00

I originally started this journal as a travel journal... but then I realized that journeys don't only have to be physical. I've been on a journey for the past few years, ever since I finished college. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm headed. I wish I had the time to sit down and revisit some of the trips I've taken and add them here, but it doesn't look like that will happen anytime soon. For now, my ordinary life will have to suffice.

I've been an angry little troll lately. For the past few nights I just had this awful anxiety and negativity hovering around me. I felt like strangling everyone near me and just crawling up in bed. Being unable to get around on my own is definitely causing this. I also feel very helpless in my career right now. I've been told that I won't have my teaching contract renewed because I'm on an annual teaching contract. Without going into all the technicalities... I'm basically out of luck because I've been teaching under three years. This happened last year also. I could cross my fingers and hope that I get rehired. I know that my principal would try her best to keep me if she could. The unfortunate circumstances are that she has little to no say in it. Budget cuts are a bitch...

I can't stand the uncertainty. I went through this last year and I won't go through it again. If I get rehired, I'm sure that this budget crisis will not be resolved come the 2010-11 school year, so I will have to face it again. I am considering other employment options right now. I want to start a family. I can't do it until I know that I have a stable career.

The heartbreaking part of it is that I am actually a pretty good teacher. My kids are learning, my classroom environment is great, and I enjoy working with kids. Sadly, these things are not enough. I need to be able to better my life and to start a family with my husband.

So these are the reasons I've been an angry little troll. Blech.

I felt a little better being able to drive to work today and I'm hoping that things start to look up on the career front.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

2009-01-22T13:45:00.002-05:00

One of the teacher's in my county submitted this to the Orlando Sentinel. Music has always been such an amazing part of my life. I loved being in band, I loved making music. I can't imagine my high school experience being nearly as good without music playing such an integral part of it. In light of all the budget cuts and programs being taken away as a result...I thought it was really great. I don't know this teacher personally, but I admire her writing and I hope that she wouldn't mine me posting this here:

As I watched the inauguration yesterday, I was struck by something in addition to the historical significance of the event. When it comes to the highest degree of ceremony in our land, we turn to that which is often the first to be on the chopping block in tough financial times: the arts. There was singing, poetry, an ensemble of some of the most talented and accomplished instrumental solo artists in the world, discussion of the particular painting featured at the luncheon, grand marches played by a band. Because great societies are often measured by their progress in the arts, we seem to understand intrinsically that these things belong, yet we are often unwilling as a society to preserve them in our education system. For every artist who blessed the nation with their gift yesterday, there was someone who had initially recognized their talent, nurtured it, guided its technical preparation, encouraged its development. Someone introduced Yo-Yo Ma to the cello, and put Aretha Franklin on a stage. These things do not just happen by accident.

The next time you hear the flippant suggestion to cut the arts out of the schools because it’s “nice, but not necessary,” imagine yesterday without the arts… a walk to a podium, an oath, a speech, a walk to whatever comes next… no parades, no balls. Imagine the band members who played “Hail to the Chief,” told in middle school that music would not be offered in their school any more. Imagine if Itzhak Perlman never held a violin. Imagine the featured choir given over to the directorship of someone with no vocal training because the chorus position was cut. These things are happening every day, and someday we may be faced with a quickie courthouse ceremony rather than royal pomp and circumstance befitting a presidential inauguration. Think about it.

Jennifer Erickson
Orange County Public School Teacher

On another note...

2009-01-20T09:25:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy update: I have a week left of birth control. I'm betting I'll be pregnant by March. Steve says April/May. Ovaries don't fail me now!

Gimpy McGimp

2009-01-20T09:14:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was not a good day. It started out at 7am with a dentist appointment to remove a cracked crown in my tooth. By 11am my whole face was numb and my mouth was sore. I figured that with a day that starts like that, it really could only improve. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Now, I am a true klutz. I seem to have this real problem avoiding door knobs and the corners of tables. I don't even pay attention to bruises anymore because I have so many. Despite this, for some reason I thought it would be smart to go to this place: http://www.rebounderz.com/default.cfm?firstvisit=yes

It's basically a warehouse covered in trampolines. From the floors to the walls. You get a helmet and some special shoes and you can bounce around like an idiot. Things started off pretty rough for me. I almost fell walking in and during the five-minute "training" I fell on my arse numerous times. About 10 minutes into my foray into gymnastics... I fell HARD. I immediately knew something was wrong because there was an audible POP.

I tried to play it off becuase I felt stupid. Everyone else was jumping around and having a great time. I stood up and brushed it off and even tried jumping a little bit. I sat down and about 10 minutes later, the pain hit me. I could barely walk out of the place. A few hours later we were sitting at the Urgent Care clinic and they told me that I broke a bone in the top of my foot.

I'm on crutches and in a cast for about a month. Good times.

The worst part is that it's my right foot, so I can't drive. I'm tempted to try driving with my left foot, but my better judgement tells me this is probably a bad idea. I also teach... so sitting down all day is not an option. I took the day off, but tomorrow it's back to the grind and I am terrified! The worse part of being injured or sick for me is feeling helpless. I hate having to depend on others and I hate not being able to do what I need to do!

Oh it's going to be a fabulous month.

Adios 2008

2009-01-02T18:41:00.001-05:00

Taken from the El Jay...

So for my annual New Years Eve post...Steve and I both agree that 2008 was one of the most challenging years we've ever had (both individually and as a couple) and we are looking forward to 2009 because we know that many great things are going to come our way.

2008, a recap: 2008 started out pretty positively for me at work, I started to feel comfortable as a teacher and my administration started to recognize me for the work I was doing. There was a lot of stress in the spring because I thought I might lose my job due to budget cuts. I took a lot of classes and got my ESOL certification. 2008 was a stressful and busy year for my career.

In February, Steve started working with Tile USA in what we hoped would be a career that would help us to acheive some of our dreams. Unfortunately, the economy went to hell and his job went along with it. Things never looked up with Tile USA and we spent probably the next 6 months fighting over him finding a new job. Finally in November, he got an interview and starts his new job in a few days.

Around March, Steve and I decided that we wanted to have a family sooner than we had originally thought. We started planning towards that... but it turns out that things just weren't ready financially. By the summer, Steve basically told me he wasn't ready and I knew deep down that we couldn't afford a baby. Plans off...

The summer was the definite low of 2008. In the beginning of July, Steve's older brother tried to commit suicide twice. It was a combination of things that lead him to it, but mostly his f-ed up marriage. After his recovery, he came to live with us. He was extremely difficult to live with and despite all the horrible stories he told us about living with his wife, he ended up going back to her and calling off the divorce. He also cut off his family in the process. BAD summer.

The new school year started in August and for a few months there I actually thought that this year would be a breeze. EHH wrong again. We got a new principal and with that came a plethora of new responsibilities. My school is on the verge of being "restructured" by the Dept. of Education. BAD stuff going on at school.

The whole year I debated between switching careers, moving, getting up and running off to a foreign country.... this whole being an adult thing is a hard adjustment to make. Even though I was married in 2007, 2008 was the year I truly adjusted to being married. It's not all sunshine and fairy tales kids. When normal life hits you and the honeymoon phase wears off, you really have to work to keep your marriage working. I am happy to say, that Steve and I are ending 2008 on a positive note and more in love than before.

Now the year is over and we've decided to start a family. Steve is more than on board now. We are doing OKAY. We are not perfect, nor will we ever be. We have two dogs that we love like children. We have a lot of love to give to a child.

If I have to make any resolutions for 2009, one of the main ones would definitely be to stop worrying so much. To realize that life doesn't have a set plan for anyone. I don't have to have the next 5 years of my life planned out down to the last detail. I can have a family and still pursue another career. The only limits that exist are the ones that I place there for myself. Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be exactly what we wanted (even though we didn't know it at the time).

2009 will be the year that I become a mother.
2009 might be the year that I change careers.
2009 will be the year that we change the place that we live into a true home.

There are a lot of expectations that we have for this year, but I just know that things will look up from where they were at this time a year ago. Happy New Years EVERYONE! ♥

A glimmer of creativity

2008-12-13T22:49:00.004-05:00

I had a flash of creativity today while driving home. I am going to start writing a book. Recently, I've decided that one of my life goals is to write a book. It sounds so cliche... one of thoes things that "everyone" wants to do. For the past few months I've known that I want to try my hand at writing on the side, but had no clue what to write about. I don't want it to be cheesy. I want it to be about something I love. Instantly I thought about traveling. I have a huge passion for it and I'm pretty knowledgable. The problem is that I'm SO passionate about it, that I tend to turn into an overly sentimental, sappy mess. I get stuck on the emotions of it all and end up not giving very good information.

Back to my original point. I want to write something unique and written from a female perspective. It definitely has to be a work of fiction and I want to add depth to the main character. The books that I personally love are the ones where I feel like I've gotten to know the main character. I came up with this idea in the car and I instantly had to write it down as soon as I got home.

It's by no means what the final product will be... but I think that if I brainstorm a little bit, it might actually develop into something with potential.

Here's the basic premise so far:

You are given the chance to relive three significant experiences in your life. You get to pick the experiences and you have the choice to change only your actions (if you choose to). You are not able to control how others act, but you are responsible for how your actions change the actions of the people around you.

The catch: You will have to give up one important thing in your life. The problem: You are not allowed to choose this thing, and you won't know what it is until you return to the present.

The main character will be a 30-something female who has lost her husband in a tragic accident within the past year. She's started to heal and is starting to put her life back together. She's given this opportunity. (I haven't decided how she'll run into the chance, maybe a mysterious stranger or a book that she finds that tells her how to tap into this ability...) She is hesitant to try it at first, but then realizes that she can relive experiences from when her husband was alive. She knows that it's unhealthy and at first turns it down, but the opportunity is just too much for her. She gives in and decides that this will be her way to say goodbye to him once and for all.

Of course, the problem will be that she ends up giving up something that she can't imagine living without.

So there it is. The beginnings of an idea.
Who knows where I'll go with it?

Isla de Encanto... parte dos

2008-11-28T08:44:00.003-05:00

So this could officially be the last vacation that Steve and I will have with just us. We are going to start trying to make a baby soon. I'm so thrilled because Steve is actually the one that pointed out the afforementioned fact to me. We are ready to start a family and it seems to be all we've been talking about lately. I started on the prenatal vitamins a week or so ago, and this will be my last month on birth control. It's kind of exciting to think of myself as a mother. It's one of those things that I just know I am meant to do.

Puerto Rico has been great. Mainly because these have been the most relaxing few days that I've had in a long time. We had no agenda, no schedule, and no pressure on this trip. I've been able to sleep in, get a tan, and drink lots of beer. All in all, those are the three requirements for a great Caribbean vacation in my book!

Puerto Rico is a great place, but I think that I don't appreciate it as much because I grew up by the ocean. It's something that's always been a part of my life, so the novelty has worn off for me. The highlight of this trip, for me, was meeting some of the locals and getting to use some of my rusty Spanish.

The Love Dare

2008-11-10T20:24:00.001-05:00

Steve and I started this yesterday...

I'm pretty excited about it. It's basically a 40 day challenge for husbands and wives to learn how to practice unconditional love. I feel like Steve and I have really lost sight of why we fell in love. We are so caught up in the mundane and stressful, that we are forgetting to appreciate and show that we love each other.

Day One's challenge was to try not to say anything negative to eachother. Now, this may sound easy (and it was for Steve) - but it was DAMN hard for me. I always look to the negative in most aspects in my life. I'm a worrier by nature and it is hard for me to look at the bright side of things. The passage for the day also focused on being patient, which also is another of my challenges. We're gonna talk about it when Steve gets home and move on to Day Two! Will keep you all posted...

And in the end, we lie awake and dream of making our escape

2008-11-08T22:08:00.006-05:00

Dear Coldplay,

Sweet Jesus, I love you.

Love,

Dana

Best. Show. Ever. As Steve so eloquently put it: "Damn, these guys could rub shit on their hands, clap it together, and somehow come up with a musical masterpiece." (Yes, he's great with words as you can see...)

The show was incredible. The lighting was amazing and made me feel like I was on some kind of colorful, piano-driven acid trip. At one point there was cascades of black-light reacting confetti falling from the ceiling of the arena... at another there was colored lazers blasting all over the arena to the tune of "Clocks." Between having a seizure and bouncing in my seat happily, I was in heaven!

Truly talented band. I've now seen them three times and I never fail to be impressed. I will definitely go see them a fourth time!

Positivity

2008-11-08T21:54:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling much more optimistic than I did the other day when I wrote. I get in these moods where all I do is wallow in self pity and it's so ridiculous that I feel ashamed of myself. Today I did something that I've been meaning to do and actually wrote down my feelings and I shared them with Steve. It was much harder to do than I thought it would be, but I think that it was worth the anxiety. I feel like he really knows what's on my mind now and he understands me a little better.

Let me tell you kids, it is not easy being married. I love my husband very much. We have been together a long time and we really have built the foundations of a great relationship. But once when you live with someone in the "real world," things change. What I mean by the real world is the world where you pay bills, own a home, work 40+ hours a week and have true and unrelenting responsibilities. Before we were married, we had the Navy footing the bill. Working was important, but I wasn't too concerned about how much I made. I just needed enough to get by. Now, I have to bring home that money or we lose our home. Talk about a change in the stress. All this takes a toll on your relationship when you don't know how to handle it. I like to believe that Steve and I can handle it. Only time will tell. But we are trying hard because we love each other. I hope that that's enough.

I have neglected my blog and livejournal for a while because of the sheer amount of chaos going on in my life right now. I have been working for Yelp.com since September doing online reviews of local businesses, so most of my time online has been spent doing that. My assignment is winding down though and I'll have more time to write for fun. I have enjoyed working for Yelp though. It's really allowed me to experience a lot of places in this city that I might have overlooked otherwise. I still think Orlando is the armpit of Florida, but I can now admit that there's some positives to this city. There's so many quirky and interesting stores and restaurants. Being as I am a foodie, it's a lot of fun for me!

Well that is all for now... I'm going to try and dedicate more time to getting my thoughts out on here!

2008-11-05T20:40:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am honestly going to snap. I just completed one of the most trying weeks I've ever experienced. I feel overwhelmed and tired. I'm having problems with my birth control and I feel horrible. I am going to be a whiny bitch in this blog entry, but I think I'm entitled to that. Try having your period for 14 days straight (and counting) and let me see what you come up with.

I don't want much in life. I think that my desires are pretty understandable and rational at this point in my life. I'm going to be 27 years old soon and I feel that I've worked hard for what I have and deserve to feel happiness. I feel that my happiness rests on having:

A safe place to live
A family
Financial stability

Those are the three main things that I'm working so hard to achieve right now. As my friends and loved ones settle down and start to have children, I feel left out. You could even say that I'm jealous. I want to be there also... so I work harder and I take on more responsibility... but I get nowhere. Right now there is no more room on my plate for anything else. The damn plate is full. My weeks are stuffed full of all these activities to try and "better myself" but I don't feel better. I feel like I'm going to grind my teeth down to stumps if I don't change something.

I'm currently:
Taking 2 classes (one online, one meets on Saturdays)
Working 40 hours a week (teaching DEMON CHILDREN)
Paying the bills (all of them!)
Trying to stay in shape
Taking more responsiblity on the second grade team (planning a field trip this week...)

On one hand, I like to feel busy. But on the other hand, I don't feel like I'm GETTING ANYWHERE! Ugh, I think that writing this really did help my mind calm down a little bit...
Is it normal to feel this frustrated at my age?

A to Zed... courtesy of Miss Jaime

2008-10-25T23:18:00.003-04:00

A. Attached or single?
Pretty attached, married!

B. Best friend?
I have a lot of best friends - my sister, Shelly, Jaime and Kelly. I have a different friendship with each of them, but they are all amazing friends to me.

C. Cake or pie?
Pie usually. I am a sucker for cherry pie. Yum.

D. Day of choice?
Saturday is the best because it is the most stress-free day of the week. You just completed a week so the stress of that is over and there's still one more day before you have to think about beginning another week. I like to just enjoy the day on Saturday.

E. Essential item?
My iPod. I must have music around me at all times or I go insane. I have numerous places to plug it in around my house. I hate silence for some reason.

F. Favourite colour?
Fire-engine red.

G. Gummy bears or worms?
Both taste like chewing on a piece of plastic to me.

H. Hometown?
If you're going by the place I was born - Hoboken, NJ. Great little town... has suddenly become trendy and overpriced, but I still love it. I say that most of my memories of growing up are in West Palm Beach, FL though.

I. Indulgence?
Food. I love to indulge myself in great food. Life is too short to not enjoy the pleasure of a good meal.

J. January or July?
January. July usually finds me sweating like a pig in the Florida heat or hiding in the dark of my house with the shades closed because I hate the summer here!

K. Kids?
Coming right up. February! Isabella Grace or Jack Lawrence shall prepare to make their entrance into this world... :)

L. Life isn’t complete without?
Good music, great food, lots of laughs, TRAVEL!

M. Marriage date?
June 2, 2007

N. Number of brothers & sisters?
2 sisters and 2 brothers.

O. Oranges or apples?
Oranges

P. Phobias?
Closed spaces. When I was studying in Prague, we took a tour of a concentration camp. One part of the tour took us into one of the underground tunnels in the prison... it was so narrow and low that I could touch both walls and my head almost touched the ceiling. I suddenly started to panic and felt like I might actually scream. I never knew that I had that fear until then.

Q. Quotes?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step forward." It reminds me that I need to have patience and enjoy the journey... not all the big things that I want in my life can happen at once.

R. Reasons to smile?
Fall is here, we have a roof over our heads and I have a husband that loves me and takes care of me.

S. Season of choice?
Fall definitely. I love Fall up north. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing the leaves change. I hope to live where that happens one day soon!

T. Tag seven peeps!
Yeah, no.

U. Unknown fact about you?
I can name (and probably sing) most songs after hearing the first few notes. I know a lot of weird song lyrics and useless music trivia.

V. Vegetable?
I am a huge fan of artichokes.

W. Worst habits?
I bite my nails and grind my teeth.

X. X-ray or ultrasound?
Eh, doesn't matter.

Y. Your favourite food?
It is HARD for me to choose because I enjoy all kinds of food. Lately I've been obsessed with Mellow Mushroom pizza. They have the best crust! I also like Middle Eastern food A LOT.

Z. Zodiac sign?
Aries - fiesty, indecisive, and impulsive. I think I fit the bill!

2008-10-20T18:16:00.009-04:00

Reading is really my escape. Especially since lately my life is all stress and anxiety. I found this list of the "Top 100 Books" and thought it was interesting to see what I have read from it (bolded). I have a lot of good ones to check out!!!

1 Harry Potter series - J.K. Rowling (some of them at least)
2 Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
3 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
4 The Obernewtyn Chronicles - Isobelle Carmody
5 My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
6 To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
7 The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
8 Breath - Tim Winton
9 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
10 Break No Bones - Kathy Reichs
11 The Power Of One - Bryce Courtenay
12 Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
13 Magician - Raymond E. Feist
14 The Bronze Horseman - Paullina Simons
15 Mao's Last Dancer - Li Cunxin
16 Memoirs Of A Geisha - Arthur Golden
17 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
18 Cross - James Patterson
19 Persuasion - Jane Austen
20 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
21 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
22 The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
23 Marley and Me - John Grogan
24 Antony and Cleopatra - Colleen McCullough
25 April Fools Day - Bryce Courtney
26 North & South - Elizabeth Gaskell
27 In My Skin - Kate Holden
28 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
29 A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
30 The Other Boleyn Girl - Phillipa Gregory
31 Nineteen Minutes - Jodi Picoult
32 Atonement - Ian McEwan
33 Shantaram Gregory - David Roberts
34 Pillars Of The Earth - Ken Follett
35 The Pact - Jodi Picoult
36 Ice Station - Matthew Reilly
37 Cloudstreet - Tim Winton
38 Jessica - Bryce Courtenay
39 A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
40 The Princess Bride - William Goldman
41 Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs
42 Anybody Out There? - Marian Keyes
43 Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
44 Seven Ancient Wonders - Matthew Reilly
45 People Of The Book - Geraldine Brooks
46 Six Sacred Stones - Matthew Reilly
47 Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards
48 Brother Odd - Dean Koontz
49 Tully - Paullina Simons
50 Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
51 The Catcher in the Rye - J.D Salinger
52 Eragon - Christopher Paolini
53 Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
54 It's Not About The Bike - Lance Armstrong
55 A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
56 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
57 The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
58 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
59 A Fortunate Life - A.B. Facey
60 The Mists of Avalon - Marion Zimmer Bradley
61 The Notebook -Nicholas Sparks
62 Water For Elephants - Sara Gruen
63 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
64 The Host - Stephenie Meyer
65 Dirt Music - Tim Winton
66 Eldest - Christopher Paolini
67 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
68 It - Stephen King
69 World Without End - Ken Follett
70 Emma - Jane Austen
71 Temple - Matthew Reilly
72 Little Women - Alcott Louisa May
73 Lean Mean Thirteen - Janet Evanovich
74 Scarecrow - Matthew Reilly
75 American Gods - Neil Gaiman
76 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
77 P.S, I Love You - Cecelia Ahern
78 All That Remains - Patricia Cornwell
79 The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
80 Past Secrets - Cathy Kelly
81 The Persimmon Tree - Bryce Courtenay
82 Husband - Dean Koontz
83 Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult
84 Wicked - Gregory Maguire
85 Spot Of Bother - Mark Haddon
86 Always And Forever - Cathy Kelly
87 The Road - Cormac McCarthy
88 Cents & Sensibility - Maggie Alderson
89 Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris
90 The Shifting Fog - Kate Morton
91 We Need To Talk About Kevin - Lionel Shriver
92 Everyone Worth Knowing - Lauren Weisberger
93 Hour Game - David Baldacci
94 Darkly Dreaming Dexter - Jeff Lindsay
95 The Woods - Harlan Coben
96 Half of a Yellow Sun - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
97 Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
98 Scar Tissue - Anthony Kiedis
99 Infidel - Ayaan Hirsi Ali
100 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks